A few days ago something completely normal happened... the clock struck twelve. Yet for most of us, it did so with extreme significance. Many of us looked back at 2015 and did a mental catalog of all that's happened, both good and bad. And if you're like me, you looked at a little list you'd made a year prior and did a quick "did I measure up?"
I don't know if I've gone a year yet without making a list of New Year's Resolutions that didn't have at least one pertaining to weight loss. Last year was no different. I wrote down "Get down to 150 or a healthy weight." You know how much weight I lost in 2015? Zero. I didn't lose any weight in 2015. To be completely honest, it took me a second to shake off my disappointment in myself (old habits die hard). But after thinking about it for a moment, I quickly realized how foolish my disappointment was.
I didn't lose weight last year, but I most definitely did find my healthy place (which is usually strongly correlated with my happy place) with my weight. If you've read my last two blog posts, you know God has done a lot to change my heart regarding how I view food and how I view beauty (to sum up, I'm addicted to food and I often equate my value with how beautiful others think I am). God's helping me work on both these issues and 2015 saw me freed from a lot of chains. But one of His biggest gifts came to me on Christmas morning (well timed, God).
I honestly don't know how it came about, but Ben and I were talking about weight-loss for whatever reason and something suddenly became abundantly clear. Having an extra 15 pounds on my body is a huge benefit to me. Let me explain...
For those of you who know me, my greatest desire in life is to be some kind of a counselor. I crave serving others in their dark emotional moments, helping to bring comfort and hope. What that looks like exactly in the future is still up for debate, but one thing has been essential in my ability to counsel others. People need to trust me. A couple of friends at our small group once called me disarming and I called Katie and told her that I'd finally found a compliment that I'd rather get more than "you're beautiful". Being disarming means others find me more easy to trust. And if they trust me, the better the odds they'll share the hard stuff in life with me. So what does all that have to do with my weight loss?
Confession: I immediately distrust and/or despise hot girls (blonde ones most of all, for some odd reason). What I mean by "hot girls" in this case are those who look like they have their beauty all put together. They're "perfect" in their bodies, their hair, their clothes, their makeup, etc. It's ironic that I hate them because I also have spent most of my life trying to be one of them. Although this isn't too ironic, because jealousy and hate go hand-in-hand. All that being said, God hit me upside the head on Christmas morning with this truth: if being "perfect" outwardly (and we all know perfect is used loosely here, because it's a completely unattainable thing... I'll always want a few more pounds lost, or blonde hair, or the loose skin on my legs and stomach to go away, etc.) makes me less approachable, disarming, and/or trustworthy, then I don't want it. I actually, truly don't.
Why in the world am I chasing something that not only is unattainable (there will always be someone prettier than me, as we previously talked about), but can also have the capacity to make me less capable of doing the thing I love most in this life?
This hit my heart like a ton of bricks. And I cried (no shock to anyone). Side note: what was kind of hilarious about this scene is all of this happened in the middle of a conversation with Ben, but the logic and truth was getting worked out completely inwardly. So when the truth hit and I started crying happy tears, Ben had no idea what was going on. Poor guy. Anyhooo... I felt free. Once upon a time, a couple of decades ago, God helped me see how my extra weight had been a protection for me (long story, I'll write it out a different time). On Christmas morning, He showed me how a little extra weight was not a liability/burden at all... it was an asset.
I'm very glad the Leigh on New Year's Eve last year added "... or a healthy weight" to my 150 pound resolution. Because now I look at that resolution and know that God helped me attain it. God helped me in 2015 to become more healthy in body (cutting out sugar and working on making my body healthy, not thin), mind (I actually don't want to be thin! HURRAY!!!) and soul (food is a sin issue for me and I don't want it to rule in my heart).
For the first time ever, I think I'll leave off a weight loss goal on my list of 2016 resolutions. I might have some semi-related goals (getting my back strong and healthy comes to mind), but I think I'll leave off the rest. More than anything, this is what I want:
"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14
Happy New Year, all.
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