So Much to Be Thankful For

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post! As always, my apologies... :) 

It's been almost 3 weeks since we've been back from our cruise (which was fantastic! Totally worth all the hard work!) and getting back to real life after 11 days of basically no diet has been tricky. I had my goal of not gaining while I was gone, and while I didn't quite make that, I only gained 2 pounds. I came home weighing 172.4. Happily as of this morning, I'm weighing in at 168.8.

It's been difficult getting back into my healthy habits, especially with no looming cruise deadline. God's had to really work on my motivation and remind me that I choose this lifestyle because I want to be obedient to Him, not because I want to look hot in my size 10 jeans. Made to Crave, the book I've been reading, has been a huge help in getting my focus back where it should be. I'm on my third time through the book and I have a funny feeling it won't be the last time I read it cover to cover.

In the book, Lysa talks about how a way to grow closer to God is to give up something that is permissable but not beneficial. I experienced that in a big way this week. My department at work does a Thanksgiving potluck the week before Thanksgiving, including everything from turkey (the smell wafted through the office all morning as it finished cooking) to mashed potatoes and gravy (my favorite thing ever) to an array of desserts. When situations like this come up in my life, my immediate response is always "well, I won't be dieting on THAT day." But this year, as I struggled to get back on the healthy eating wagon, I felt God tug on my heart. I had been crying to Him that I was having a hard time, and that the department potluck wasn't going to help, and I felt like God said, "So don't eat it. Spend time with Me instead."

Don't eat it? Skip out on the opportunity to stuff my face with all my favorites? Endure the smell of baking turkey for 3 hours and then pass on the chance to EAT IT? Oy. I don't waaaant to. But, when God asks me to do something (or in this case, NOT do something) I have a very hard time saying no. (The guilt is horrific and NEVER worth it) And it was beyond obvious that it was the best choice for me. So I helped set everything up, then snuck off to my favorite coffee shop for a drip coffee and some Jesus time.

I'm so glad I did. The times when I feel God's presence intensely have become so very precious to me, especially in my "grown-up" years. I think He knew I needed that when I was younger in order to hold on to my faith, but now those times are farther between. So as I sat with my headphones in, playing BarlowGirl's "Enough" I started to cry as I felt God's presence reassuring my heart. Food may have power over me, but God's power is greater. He can deliver me. He WAS delivering me, right that second, as I had been given enough will power by His Spirit to walk away from my favorite meal. In that moment it was crystal clear... Food has no lasting benefit. But my relationship with God? It's EVERYTHING.

I know it may not seem like an "either/or" situation, but here's what it comes down to for me: I can either be ruled by food, or ruled by God. I can focus on food or I can focus on God. Even when I'm dieting, if I'm just focused on what I CAN'T have, food is still the ruler of my thoughts. But if I shift my focus, turn my eyes on Jesus, seek first the kingdom of God, I gain everything. Everything that lasts.

I know this struggle with food isn't over, but this week I let God fight one of the battles while I sat by watching. And He SLAUGHTERED my enemy. Maybe one day this lesson will be completely solidified in my head and heart, that if I try to do this on my own, I'll fail. But if I fall at Jesus' feet, He'll carry me through.

So this Thanksgiving season, I'm so very thankful. Thankful for all the amazing blessings God's given to me. And right this second, I'm especially thankful that my God is a warrior who fights for my heart.

I hope you remember what and Who is most important this season. Not in a "you should feel guilty" kind of way... I just know I want to keep Him first in my heart because it is worth so much more than anything this world could offer. Especially mashed potatoes and gravy. ;)

<3 Leigh

Christmas came 2 days early!

A quick update... yesterday I got on the scale, prepared for anything, and found this glorious number staring up at me: 170.2. I MADE IT! Two days ahead of schedule! This is nothing short of a small miracle and I must praise God and give Him all the glory. I'm off to finish packing, but had to share the news as I promised I would. He is so faithful and good to me!

<3 Leigh

Nearing the finish line... sort of.

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31

This verse keeps coming back to me. God's so good and He continually brings me to the parts of His Word that most affect my life right now. And right now, I needed the reminder that I'm not on this healthy lifestyle journey to fit into a bikini, I'm on it to gain Him glory. So, in the hopes of gaining Him glory, here's my latest update:

I'm injured. My right hip/knee have been killing me for a few weeks and I finally gave in and went to physical therapy. Turns out my IT band on the right side of my right leg is super tight and pulling at my hip and knee joints. This means I can't do any Zumba or other high impact workouts until I'm all fixed up. I'm sure physical therapy will help me get back to my normally scheduled activities eventually, but for now getting a workout in is tricky. Which means losing weight is tricky. Or at the very least it's slower. That's the bad news.

The good news? God's still answering my prayer to get down to 170 by the cruise date. By His goodness and grace alone, I weighed in this morning at 171.4! With 5 days to go before we leave for the cruise, a pound and a half is completely do-able! And the fact that I really do believe that, even though I'm injured, is a complete miracle. I don't believe I can do this. But I believe God can do this.

Injuries and sickness have plagued my weight loss journey for the last 6 years. I'd get a decent rhythm going for awhile, workout like crazy, eat better (but not great) and start losing weight. Inevitably soon after, though, I'd throw my back out (I have two herniated discs in my back that sporadically act up) or I'd have a Mono relapse (at the time I didn't know that could even HAPPEN) or some other variation of my body giving out on me would occur. Dieting without being able to exercise was always pointless in my mind, and so, frustrated and feeling defeated, I'd head back to the fat wagon.

That is why I can say that me believing God can get me down to 170, regardless of my injury, is such a miracle. Carefully restricting what I ate was never really an option in my mind before now. This time around, however, it's different. I'm different. And how I think about food is very different. I want my life to reflect 1 Cor. 10:31... that whether I eat or drink, I do it to the glory of God. I couldn't ever say that when I was consistently ordering takeout with extra guacamole. I wasn't glorifying God with my food choices. Now, however, I want to. Which doesn't mean I can't ever have chips and guac again. It just means I'll eat them in reasonable portions and with the right mindset. I won't let food rule me. By the Holy Spirit, I will practice self-control and rule my food. Those of you who know me know just what an incredible miracle that is.

So there's your update. I pray it gains God glory and maybe even inspires someone out there to trust God with their weight loss journey, instead of their own abilities. Because I know for me, what it came down to is not letting my appetite be my king. I'm ruled by Jesus Christ, not my cravings for a cheeseburger. And as long as I let Him rule, there's nothing I can't do.

I'll try to write again (even if just to say "I MADE IT!") on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. However, if life gets too crazy, you can count on an update at the beginning of November when Ben and I get back from our cruise. :)

Oh, that reminds me... Please please pleeeease pray for me while I'm on the cruise. Living in a land of 24 hour room service and buffets will be a decent test of my newfound spiritual discipline muscles. My goal is to maintain my weight on the cruise, so I'm not looking to lose any weight while I'm gone, but I do not want to fall back into my old "food rules" habit. As always, this can only happen if I cling to Jesus and His strength.

Much love!
<3 Leigh

One more month...

Okay, it's getting old saying this... but it's been too long since I've written. And man oh man, do I ever need to write. I only have a month left until the cruise and I know I need to really buckle down and GET IT DONE.

Update #1: I'm at 180 pounds. 52 pounds lost in a little over 4 months! All glory to the Lord! I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for how far He's brought me.

Update #2: As of September 9th at 5 PM, I became a licensed Zumba instructor! I wish I could explain just how huge of a miracle this is to me. Almost a greater gift than the 52 pounds I've lost so far. I've always loved dance, and in the last few years, being totally addicted to So You Think You Can Dance, I've dreamed of becoming a dancer. But it always seemed impossible. Then a friend introduced me to Zumba and I immediately became addicted. It's SO MUCH FUN! And to think that (hopefully) I'll eventually get paid to do it? It's beyond anything I could have hoped for.

Despite the two amazing updates above, the last few weeks I've felt like I've gotten a bit off track. My workouts haven't been as consistent (I'll spare you the excuses of "I've been super busy" or "I got sick") and I feel like I've wasted precious time. The cruise is 4 weeks away! With that in mind, it's time to kick some serious butt.

My friend Jani (major honorable mention goes to her, since she originally offered to be my Jillian Michaels and has been such an awesome supporter through my weight loss) reminded me about the show the Biggest Loser. I watched the season premiere last night and immediately realized I could be pushing myself a LOT harder. I know I don't live on "the Ranch" but that doesn't mean I can't be committed to an hour (or even two!) of working out a day. If there was ever a time to neglect social engagements and just focus on getting in shape, it's now!

So here's my latest goal: I want to lose 10 more pounds before the cruise. No more off days, no more excuses. I need to make these last four weeks COUNT. That being said, I can't do this on my will power alone. I need the Lord's help and I covet your prayers! I'm not doing this weight loss thing just for the cruise or even to look better. I'm doing this because it's part of God's refining plan for my life and I want to honor Him with how I eat and how I take care of this body He's given me. I believe He has big plans to use all of this.

So here we go, God help me. 170 by October 21st, Lord willing.

Oh, and if you see me eating a donut, do me a favor and smack me upside the head. :)

Much love,
Leigh

Slow and Steady Better Win this Race

Hello again!

Two more weeks have passed and I've lost about as many pounds. As of this morning, 186.6. Nothing earth-shattering, but, as the title of my post suggests, I'm hoping to slowly keep on going and eventually I'll hit that finish line.

The past two weeks have been great in a lot of ways. The first big update to report is that I signed up for Zumba certification training on September 9th. I'm gonna be a Zumba instructor! Well, hopefully... :) It's been a dream of mine for awhile and instead of waiting to hit my goal weight before I got certified, I decided to jump the gun a little. After all, it's pretty good motivation! A friend of mine just got certified on Saturday, so I now know what to expect exactly one month from tomorrow. I'm excited, but also super nervous, so all prayers are greatly appreciated!

The second update is that I found an accountability partner! It was a huge answer to prayer to find a friend in a similar place who wants to walk this path with me. Her journey will look very different than mine, but the struggle is the same. It's felt so great knowing that she's praying for me and cheering me on! Plus I get to do the same for her, which is something I hope to do more of in the future for women struggling with their weight.

I survived my first "vacation-ish" time, which even included a trip to the Cheesecake Factory! You want to know what I ordered? A mini egg breakfast. Not even kidding. And I didn't even finish half of it! To God be the glory! :) I sat at the table debating inside my head, "You HAVE to order cheesecake. How can you NOT?!" And then I realized... why did I HAVE to? This is not the last chance I'll ever have to eat cheesecake. And even if it was, why would that mean I HAVE to have it? It wasn't easy saying no, but somehow there was freedom in realizing that the piece of cheesecake didn't own me. It didn't have to ruin my diet that day. I could just say no and walk away without taking any shame (or cheesecake) with me. :)

The weight coming off so slowly has definitely been frustrating, but as always, God's been using it to teach me to trust Him. I'm trying to be thankful for the opportunity. (I'm not perfect at that, that's for sure!) I'm so thankful for the amazing people God's surrounded me with who have been encouraging me through all of this. Especially on the days when the scale goes up instead of down. I tend to get a wee-bit, um, hysterical when that happens. :) I'm thankful for God's (and my family's) patience with me in those times.

Thanks again to all of you for your support, prayers and love. It means more than I can say.

<3 Leigh

Peaks and Plateaus

Once again, it's been way too long since I've written. This time, however, I promise to keep the update short. :)

A lot has been happening in the past few weeks, but sadly, not a lot has happened on the scale. It's been 3 weeks and I've lost just shy of 6 pounds. And I can honestly say it's not for a lack of trying! I've been working out 4-5 times a week and staying between 1000-1200 calories a day, with one "off day" a week where I allow myself to eat a meal or two of my choosing. This plan is way more intense than the last time I lost all my weight and somehow the pounds are coming off slower. It's annoying. However, I'm thankful that God is teaching my heart something in the meantime, regardless of how fast or slow the pounds come off. The bottom line is, the pounds are coming off. :)

Lately I feel like God's encouraged me to clean up my life. So much of my time was getting taken up by clutter and while making room for the clutter, I was throwing out the important things. For example, I've decided to basically take myself off Facebook for awhile. I've got my account activated at the moment, but I'm using it strictly for messaging. I stay away from browsing through people's status updates. Or their pictures from their latest trips (usually where the girls are looking gorgeous and tan, making the little green monster in me come alive in a BIG way). I've also basically decided to fall off the map socially as much as I can. I want to spend these next three months pushing myself as hard as I can to reach my goal. That means I can't push off working out two or three nights a week to go out for Mexican with my girlfriends.

That's the short version of what I'm up to with "de-cluttering" my life. In addition to wanting to focus on my weight loss, I also want to focus on studying my counseling materials so that when I do get back out into the broader social world, I'm equipped to use the gifts God's given me. (Which sounds cocky, but I don't mean for it to... hopefully you all understand what I mean.) With that in mind, I'm really excited to see what God will do with this time. Because above all else, I want to use it to draw closer to Him and have Him refine me.

That's the gist for now. I covet your prayers, as always. One thing I'm really praying to find is someone who can either take this "getting healthy" journey with me, or at the very least hold me accountable to the new life standards I have in place. I don't want to be a burden to any of my inner circle friends with this, since it does take a bit of commitment from them. But I know how beneficial it would be to have someone who's consistently walking this path with me, even if just as an observer.

Much love to you all!
<3 Leigh

My New Life Has Begun

Before I say anything else, let me apologize for the length of time since my last post. Summer has been crazy! Working 40 hours, working out, side projects and a social schedule have been making a blog post impossible. I hope you'll forgive me. :) (And for those of you who didn't notice I was "gone" just ignore this paragraph)

I can't believe how different things are, even since the last time I wrote! First of all, I'm now at 194.4 pounds! My size 16 jeans are barely staying on me, (I actually can take them off without unbuttoning! That was a fun discovery) and I broke out some of my old smaller summer clothes with delight. I found a few things that I'm beyond stoked to get into to, but don't quite fit yet. Including a pair of size 12 ripped jeans that I never officially got to wear. I bought them on sale (well, my mom did actually) a few years ago, thinking that I'd use them for motivation to lose a few pounds. Sadly, I never got small enough to get into them back then, but now it really is a great motivation to me. I have brand new ripped jeans waiting for me! I told my mom I was tempted to pin them up on the wall in my bedroom just to give me a little kick in the rear. :) (For those of you who don't know this about me, I LOVE ripped jeans. Don't care if they go in or out of style, if I've got a pair, I'll wear them.)

When I packed up my "skinny" clothes three years ago I had only a small amount of hope that I would ever see them again. Just enough hope not to bring them to consignment or donate them. Ever since then they've haunted me. When we moved into this apartment two years ago and I had to move the bin marked "Size 10 Clothes" I did so with more than a little disappointment. The bin mocked me. "You had your chance and now it's gone... you'll never see these clothes on your body ever again." Even though they poked fun at me, I still couldn't get rid of them. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew I'd never quit this fight. No matter if I lost ground or gained it, I would never stop trying.

It turns out God was doing something with my weight gain that I didn't see. He was strengthening my marriage, for one thing. He challenged my past beliefs and showed me that my weight had nothing to do with how much my husband loved me. Ben has told me I'm beautiful everyday, regardless of what the scale has said. He's chosen to make me his standard of beauty and by God's grace I've always been able to trust Ben when he tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous. I hear women talk about getting changed in the dark because of how insecure they feel about their bodies (and I'm not even talking about overweight women!) and I am amazed that I've rarely felt that way, even at 232 pounds. And while part of that is knowing that my worth is not tied to my weight, it's also because my husband has made it abundantly clear that he loves me and my body. I don't think Ben would tolerate me getting dressed in the dark! :)

Back to the here and now. The scale has not been my daily friend, so I've changed my weigh-in schedule to once a week. I've been nervous to change when I got on the scale mostly because I didn't trust myself. I know the scale is the ultimate accountability. I can't hide from it's reality. So if I weigh myself daily, there's no way for me to lie to myself and say "I'm sure I did fine yesterday. An extra bite of dessert won't be that big of a deal." I also won't fall into the trap of thinking "I don't weigh in until Saturday, so I'll eat this now and then work out really hard the rest of the week." However, there were some drawbacks to daily weigh-ins. The scale is not always truthful. For about a week there it told me that, regardless of how hard I was working, I had gained half a pound. Not exactly motivational. Pretty freakin' DEmotivational. So I decided, as many professionals suggest, to weigh in once a week.

I had my first encounter with "vacation time" and thankfully, I managed to come out alright. I planned ahead which meals I was allowed to "splurge" on, and did my best to stick to my guns the rest of the time. Everyday counts and matters right now, which definitely helped keep me on track. October 21st is going to be here a lot faster than I  realize and I know how important it will be for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have to keep "future Leigh" in mind or she will HATE ME later.

One interesting thing I've realized in the last two weeks is that it's okay if I don't meet my 150 goal mark by that October date. Don't get me wrong, I want to be as close to that as I can be, but I think in my head I thought it was 150 pound Leigh or 230 pound Leigh. Happily, that's not the case! If I go on that cruise with 15 extra pounds on me, I'll still be comfortable in shorts and a tankini. I'll still want to take a million pictures of Ben and I. So if for some reason I can't reach that 150 pound mark in time, I'm at peace with that. There's a certain amount of freedom in knowing that it's not a requirement, just an ideal. And being 15 pounds shy of that ideal will not kill me or ruin our vacation.

On the surgery/new stomach front, things are going really well. The transition to eating regular foods has been seamless. I still find myself hungry after 2-3 hours, but I'm learning what foods cause that and trying to combat the hunger with prepared healthy snacks for in-between meals. So far, so good. The hunger pains don't awaken me in the middle of the night much anymore, and when they do they're rarely so bad that I have to eat something. Usually I'll just be uncomfortable for a few minutes before drifting back to sleep. I've realized that eating certain foods for dinner (high carb meals especially) will cause worse hunger pains later. For instance, a couple of nights I had a bowl of cereal for dinner. Healthy cereal, high in protein and without refined carbs for the most part, but still, cereal. Both those nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night with hunger pains that were impossible to ignore. So I've steered clear of making that mistake again.

Otherwise my diet has been pretty "easy" to keep to. (I say "easy" in quotes because NO diet is actually easy. But I've never been able to maintain this kind of diet before. This is a manageable lifestyle, which is what every person needs in order to keep to it. So really "easy" means "possible".) I have about 1000-1200 calories a day and try to workout four or five times a week. I allow myself one "cheat" night a week, where Ben and I can go out and I don't meticulously count the calories on my plate. I still stay away from the general "no-no" foods such as bread and rice even on splurge nights, but that's not too terribly hard. I don't keep any of that stuff in the house, so usually it's simply not an option. The wonderful part of all this is that I'm full with a MUCH smaller plate of food. You know how there are two kinds of plates, the big ones and then the half-sized ones? Well I used to need a piled-high big plate to be full. Now all it takes is a reasonably piled half size one. And that's pretty stinkin' awesome.

So that's life for now! Thank you again for all the love, support, and prayer you all have given me in this time. I can't tell you what it means to me!

<3 Leigh

Back in the Saddle Again

After last week's disappointing trip to the scale, I'm ecstatic to report that I managed to take off five pounds! It's a good thing, too, because for a couple of days there, I had scared myself into believing that the weight was just going to start piling back on. It's crazy how easy it is to let my fears take over.

Today I am having two very important "lasts". The last day of my post-op diet. (No more nonfat refried beans!) And the last day, hopefully, I will ever look down at the scale and see it begin with "2". Tomorrow will mark four weeks since my surgery and I'm cautiously optimistic that the scale might be my friend and drop me down from 200.6, to 199.8. If it doesn't happen tomorrow I won't be terribly upset, but I'm hopeful.

Tomorrow also brings me back to Dr. Michaelson's office for my four week check-up. I'm nervous about the appointment, mostly because I don't want to disappoint him. I hope I've lost enough to impress him! I know that might seem silly, but I feel like I have something to prove right now, and I might as well take advantage of the extra motivation it brings. I've managed to workout three times in the last four days and I'd be lying if I said it didn't have something to do with my appointment/deadline. It helps to have that kind of accountability.

It's been almost a month since I last had a real "bite" of food, so I'm also very excited that tomorrow brings the promise of "real" food! The last two weeks have flown by, thankfully, but this soft food/liquid diet has definitely gotten old. I'm so excited the day has come where eating chicken and a salad is an option! (Did any of you who know me well just say to yourself, "Okay, who IS this girl?") And it's not just the food choices I'm excited about, it's also the knowledge that "regular" food will stay with me a lot longer than soft/liquid food does. I look forward to not getting hunger pains two hours after a meal! (Can you blame me?)

I must admit, I'm slightly nervous about eating like a normal (although much smaller-stomached) human being again. Ben wanted to take me to the Cheesecake Factory after my doctor's appointment to celebrate, but I turned him down. (Once again, those who know me are saying, "Okay, that's it. The real Leigh has been kidnapped. This is an impostor.") I want to be sure that my stomach can handle the regular food, which means easing into this. No matter what I decide to eat, small bites and chewing like CRAZY are definitely on the menu. I'm not willing to risk getting sick, especially since my abs are still not back to normal. So I'll take things easy and see how it goes.

That's all for now. I'll be sure to report back soon with another update on this whole crazy process. And hopefully, I'll be on the lighter side of 200! :)

<3 Leigh

I Couldn't NOT Share This...

Shortly after writing that last post, I sat down to read my latest "quiet time" book. It's called Made to Crave (by Lysa TerKeurst, in case you're interested) and, as you may have guessed, it's all about food (and weight) struggles and how to cling to God in order to overcome them. This quote hit home in such a profound way that I had to stop and share it. I feel like it's relevant to everyone, as it applies to God's sovereignty in what we each struggle with:

"When I get all caught up in how unfair it is that my friend is skinny and doesn't have to work at it, how she can eat what she wants when she wants, and how much it stinks that I can't be like her, I remind myself that God didn't make me to be her. You see, He knew even before I was born that I could easily allow food to be an idol in my life, that I would go to food, instead of to Him, to fulfill my needs. And in His great wisdom, He created my body so that it would experience the consequences of such a choice, so that I would continually be drawn back into His arms. He wants me to come to Him for fulfillment, emotional healing, comfort--and if I could go to food for that and never gain an ounce, well then, what would I need God for?"

Anybody else feel that information hit their heart and explode in wonder? Why is it so easy for me to forget that God doesn't do anything without a purpose? And not just any purpose, a purpose for my good! This weight/eating struggle is not useless! Whatever you struggle with isn't either! And I know for me, that changes everything.

It also brings to mind what the Apostle Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

9 But he said to me, j“My grace is sufficient for you, for kmy power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that lthe power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 mFor the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. Forowhen I am weak, then I am strong.

My weaknesses, if I let them, will draw me to the Lord and allow God to do BIG THINGS through me! And I'd rather have God's strength than mine, even if that means I have to live with weaknesses.

Anyway, like I said, I had to share. I hope all of this blesses your heart as it blessed mine.

<3 Leigh

A Bump in the Road

It hasn't been a week, but I'm sitting down and writing today because I need a dose of drive and accountability.

I have good news and bad news. The bad news first: I put on a pound.

Now before you judge me (although Lord knows somehow I still judge me) you should know the circumstances. I've been having really bad hunger pains. So bad that they wake me up in the middle of the night and make me want to curl into the fetal position. They come during the day, too, as soon as an hour or two after I've eaten. I assumed this was because I was on a soft/liquid diet and the food was just going through me too quickly. In order to combat this, though, I've had to be eating quite a bit more than I had been. I'm not eating junk food or anything, but even eating healthy, with how often I've had to eat to keep the pain away, I've definitely had more like 1500+ calories a day instead of the 800 I had been eating. This has just been since Tuesday, thankfully, but it's still meant I've put on a pound. And that I don't like.

The good news? I talked to my surgeon yesterday, inquiring about how soon I could start working out, and as I told him about the hunger pains, he quickly told me that those weren't hunger pains, it was my stomach trying to undo itself! Now, I know that doesn't exactly sound like good news, but to a girl who just had surgery in order to be LESS hungry, it was faaaabulous news. This pain will pass (I would assume, anyway... I somehow lose my brain every time I'm on the phone with him and forget to ask obvious questions. Something about him going to like, twenty years of college makes me so intimidated I can hardly talk.) and until it does, the answer isn't eating, it's ibuprofen. And thankfully, the calories in ibuprofen are minimal. :)

What this means for me today, is that I can go back to the diet that will continually help me take off the pounds without being in pain! And when I got on the scale this morning (I'd been avoiding it for the last few days because I knew I'd been eating too much to lose anything) it did two things. It discouraged me, of course. But it also reminded me that I have a cruise in 20 weeks. And if I want to be back at around 150 pounds, I need to lose at least 2.5 pounds per week. Every week. There's no waiting til tomorrow or Monday or next week. I have to do this right now. That knowledge, thankfully, has put me back into attack mode.

I'm telling you, my friends and family, about this goal. If I say it out loud, or write it down and publish it in this case, it helps to solidify my resolve and move forward with tenacity. By God's grace and with His help, I will conquer this. One step at a time I will climb this mountain and I can't WAIT for the view from the top.

So... first step down. My next step will be spending some time at God's feet, asking for His strength and perspective. :)

Thanks for all your love, support and prayers. They mean more than I can ever tell you.

<3 Leigh

Welcome to the wonderful world of post-op...

Hello again!

So it's been almost two weeks since my surgery. Sorry I didn't write sooner, but between being high on percocet and just plain passed out, I think my writing would have suffered had I attempted anything. Although the rantings of a post-op girl high on pain killers probably would have been entertaining... oh well. C'est la vie.

So I survived! I've been hibernating at home pretty much exclusively for two weeks, except for the past 3 days where I actually managed to go to work and be a productive human being. The recovery took a bit longer than I was anticipating (the surgery is so new that it was hard to know what to expect, but 3-5 days is what I was figuring on), but overall I'm doing pretty good. I get more energy everyday and the strength is slowly coming back to my abs.

The day of surgery went pretty well. I managed to keep my anxiety in check long enough to get into the operating room without bursting into tears, which, for me, is saying a lot. Ben was, as always, the most amazing support to me and helped to keep me calm both before and after the surgery. The surgeon, anesthesiologist, and nurses were all amazing and, other than having the surgery delayed by a couple hours (I hate waiting), I have very few complaints about how things went.

*surgery detail talk alert... if you'd rather not hear this part, skip down a paragraph*

The surgeon made five incisions, four horizontally along my stomach in line with my belly button, (one actually IN my belly button) and one in the middle of my chest, just below my bra line. He had to separate my ab muscles to get access to my stomach (if I understand right), which I can still feel the affects of, even now. The surgery itself lasted three hours.

After the surgery I woke up laying down on a gurney and VERY out of it. Opening my eyes made the room spin, so I kept them closed for the first while. Ben's voice was nearby pretty quickly, which I was very thankful for, and they didn't wait too long before making me stand up and walk over to a recliner-like chair. They want you to sit up as soon as possible to help strengthen your diaphragm. They also want you to get up and walk, which I did with great reluctance. I was absolutely exhausted and moving made me nauseous. But I managed to do as they asked, with the help of a fantastically spunky nurse named Heidi. I managed to fall asleep in the recliner chair every time they let me sit back down (I've never been able to fall asleep sitting up before, which tells you how exhausted I was). I honestly don't know how many hours we spent there after surgery. They had me sipping on water and I kept it all down fine, which was a very good sign. The anti-nausea meds, narcotic pain killers, and a drug to stop stomach spasms all did their job marvelously and left me in very little discomfort. (Funny sidenote: Ben told me that I looked like the Michelin man after surgery... they'd pumped me with six pounds worth of fluids during the surgery!)

By early evening, they let us head out to our hotel. The night was spent sleeping, interrupted only by Ben's alarm going off every time I needed to take another dose of something. I was also supposed to get up and walk around every few hours for as long as I could stand it. Which at first wasn't much at all. Actually getting up from the bed was the most painful thing (my abs would scream in protest), but otherwise it was just exhaustion that made me want to lay back down. Ben was wonderful and took amazing care of me through all of it, even letting me watch Millionaire Matchmaker while two sports had playoff games.

The next day we very carefully got me to the doctor's office, about 10 minutes away. He took a look at everything and told me it all looked great and that we could go home a day early, which was a wonderful bit of news. The hotel bed could not stack up against our memory foam bed at home. :) We managed the drive home (an hour and a half long) without any trouble, which was a huge relief, considering the fact that nausea is one of the biggest side affects of the surgery and I get carsick easily anyway.

The next few days are all kind of blurred together. I spent most of my time on the couch, watching five minutes of a sitcom before passing out. I was on a strict clear fluid diet for the first week, which wasn't too bad until the fourth day, when I started feeling the hunger pains. I also started having gas pains, which were only alleviated when I stood up and walked around. Needless to say, it wasn't the most fun few days. I only got really badly nauseous once, for about 12 hours, when we had started spacing out my meds more to see how I'd do. Let me tell you, that was NOT pleasant. Thankfully, I managed to get down an anti-nausea pill before I had to actually throw up. I honestly have no idea how I would have managed that if I did have to, simply because my abs were useless. I'm very thankful it all worked out without it coming to that.

The doctor was awesome through everything. He checked on me everyday, making it very clear that I could call him ANYTIME, day or night, if I had any problems or questions. I would recommend him to anyone considering this surgery who lives in the Pacific Northwest.

I went in for another checkup a week after, when I was finally given the okay to go to full liquids. Basically that means I can have smooth yogurt and creamy soups. Which, at that point, sounded like heaven. Broth and Crystal Light were NOT cutting it for me. The appointment went smoothly, other than me being dehydrated and my heart rate being a bit too high. I went home and continued to rest up, very happy to have something in my stomach that actually provided nourishment.

And now another week is almost up! Tomorrow I get to enjoy the wonders of soft foods. After I'm done with this blog, actually, I'm going to head to the grocery store to pick up some refried beans and pico de gallo! (That may not sound exciting to you, but to me, it sounds like HEAVEN)

Oh, and for those of you interested in my weight loss... I started my journey at 232 pounds and have managed to lose 28 so far. 18 of which were before the surgery and 10 since then. My goal is to be at 150 pounds by October 21st, the day Ben and I sail off on our 5 year anniversary cruise to Mexico. I know it's a steep goal, but I think it's do-able. Gonna be back in my bikini, sitting by the beach in no time! :)

TTFN,

Leigh

Withdrawals and Rehab

My life is about to change forever.

I've made the choice to have weight-loss surgery. No, not plastic surgery. I'm not having liposuction or a tummy tuck. I'm having a new procedure called plication. Basically, they're going to fold my stomach in on itself, so that I get full much faster, stay full much longer and basically have much less room in my stomach. If you want more details on the surgery itself, I'll send you here:

(Fair warning, that is a youtube video of what the procedure looks like in CG. Not real blood and guts, but if you're overly squeamish, you may want to skip it.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKQ6snbmXy4

More general info can be found here:
http://www.nwwls.com/laparoscopic-greater-curvature-plication

God brought this opportunity to my doorstep or else I wouldn't even be considering it. But after about 20 years of being overweight and fighting my own body, I've decided to take this opportunity and run with it. So on May 17th, I'm going under the knife.

Until then, I've been pushing to lose as much weight as I can on my own. The weight's been falling off, but it's been hard and it's only reminded me of why I want this surgery in the first place. Being hungry all day is unavoidable when I diet. I can count on maybe 2 hours of feeling satiated after a meal before the hunger pains set in. It's not fun. And of course, my own food addiction doesn't help anything either. I don't just want to eat, I want to eat French bread and spinach dip. And I don't want a piece of bread with spinach dip, I want the whole loaf. Which, of course, must be followed with something sweet.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how I kept the pounds on.

Right now I'm in the last few days before surgery and I'm on an extra special "please kill me now" diet. Some nasty powdered stuff mixed with water two times a day, with a small meal (no more than 300 calories) for dinner. You can imagine my delight in this diet. But, I have to admit, only eating 800 calories a day does force your body to shed pounds. Fast. I'm two days away from surgery, started this diet 5 days ago, and I've lost 5 pounds. Not too shabby.

The withdrawals have definitely set in. Like I said, I'm a food addict, a "food-a-holic" if you will, and this is like going through detox. My brain/stomach/every pore is screaming at me to eat. Eat a LOT. Like, RIGHT NOW. And my social calendar, naturally, is filled with events that include piles of food I can't eat. Today, I sat in a room filled with people and their plates of barbecued goodness, while I dipped my raw broccoli in pico de gallo. Yum.

My only help is knowing that the day after tomorrow, this will all be over. Sure, the first month will be a tiny bit of torture, seeing as I can only have liquids the first two weeks and then only soft foods for two weeks after that, (my surgeon wants to be very cautious, since this surgery is so new) but after that, I'll get to be the girl at the party who has half a plate of food and says, "oh my gosh, I'm like, TOTALLY stuffed!" (Apparently I picture my skinnier self as a brunette version of Cher from Clueless) Which will be very refreshing, considering I've always been the girl who wonders if anyone will notice that she's going back for thirds.

This next month will be my 28 days of rehab. At least, that's how I'm looking at it. I can't give in to cravings, simply because my stomach will not be able to process it. There's no exceptions unless I want to be violently ill. Which, thankfully, is one thing I am NOT willing to be in order to have yummy food. Hopefully, this time will help me start to break the habit of living to eat, instead of eating to live. After all, the surgery can only help my stomach, it can't get inside my head and force me to make wise choices. That part of this ordeal will take a HUGE amount of prayer. Because one thing I know is that without God's helping hand, I will screw this up just as I've screwed up every other diet or eating plan I've tried before it.

So here goes nothing. See you on the other side...

~Leigh