My mom went to rehab when I was 10 years old. She had struggled with her drinking mostly in secret for years, using alcohol as a crutch when she was overwhelmed by feeling like she didn't measure up. In her desperate attempt to be perfect, she drank to cope, because as we all know, no one can really "do it all" and certainly no one can do it all perfectly. Then after many years of struggle, she decided to quit and went to rehab to kick the addiction for good.
My mom has now been sober for more than 20 years. I am so incredibly proud of her and could go on for many, many paragraphs about how her struggle has affected and influenced my life for the better. She is my hero and because of her transparency, I have seen God do amazing things through her. But before I get on a roll gushing about how great my mama is, I should probably get to what's relevant to today's post. My mom is not the only addict in my family. I stand there with her.
For years my struggle with food has been one between vanity ruling and food ruling. Some days I'm motivated by affecting the scale (and my waistline), some days I'm motivated by what feels good right at that moment. "I don't care," I tell myself, while shoving more tater tots in my mouth. And it's a lie, of course, because I DO care. But what I often care about is not being healthy or holy, it's about being thin. Anybody out there understand what that's like?
In the last 5ish years, I've asked God to help me find the right motivation. Wanting to be thin hasn't been enough of a motivation to keep me from going back to food. Wanting to be healthy hasn't even really done it, although it's helped. Food still has me shackled. I am food's slave. And where I was deceived the most in the last few years is I thought I had it "mostly" under control. 75% of the time, I could do the right thing, make the right decision about food. And that was a huge step forward in comparison to what it had been in the past. But as we all know, that last 1/4 of the time can completely destroy the good done in the other 3/4.
So I searched for a better dieting plan. I tried out more rules, more strategies, more recipes, hoping it would be the difference between success and failure. And, no surprise, I would always end up right back where I was. Feeling defeated and a bit hopeless. Wondering exactly what it was that I was doing wrong or shaming myself mercilessly for not being more self-controlled. But I never addressed the biggest issue at hand: I am an addict. And before I can find the right healthy eating plan, I have to confront this much larger elephant in the room.
Often in the past I have treated this ferocious monster more like a stray mouse. For instance, when I screwed up a dieting plan, I would tell my accountability partner with a bit of laughter in my voice, "Oh man, I screwed up so bad the other day... I think I ate a dozen cookies in like 10 minutes." And we'd laugh and commiserate and say "it happens" or "we all have those days". And that was all. But here's the thing: because I am an addict, just like my mom is an alcoholic, I cannot treat these moments like they're no big deal. If my mom had a glass of wine, she would be breaking 20 years of sobriety. And my eating addiction needs to be treated with the same amount of gravity.
Jesus said that if your arm causes you to sin, it's better to cut it off. In that same vein, I've decided to make some drastic changes, not unlike what my mom has had to do. Here's my new list:
- I will make my home a safe zone. Food that has a hold on me will not cross the threshold.
- This includes throwing out or donating all items that are not on my healthy eating plan
- If I host a dinner or party where non-diet items are around, those items will either be sent home with a guest or thrown out. The whole "but there's starving children in Africa!" mentality does not apply here because starving children in Africa do not benefit from me eating 5 extra brownies.
- I will invite God into my "non-diet" food choices.
- I realized that I had basically been giving no thought or prayer to my food choices on "off days" or "off meals". It's like I'd been happily handing the reins over to food. I was treating those times like people do Las Vegas: What happens during off days, stays during off days. And we all know that slogan is total crap.
- I will tell trustworthy people just how serious this is for me in order to help hold me accountable.
- My mom is quick to tell people she's an alcoholic. It's the best way to keep her safe from temptation. If everyone knows she shouldn't drink, she won't be thinking about whether she can get away with having a glass of wine. Same deal with me. While I can't tell everyone I know I'm a food addict (the lines aren't as clear with food as they are with alcohol, unfortunately), I can tell key people. For example, the girls in my small group are definitely going to know about this, so that when we're out to eat together and I don't order anything, they don't do the girl pressure thing ("live a little!") or think I'm on some crazy diet.
- I will have someone in my life who is similar to an AA sponsor.
- My best friend Katie is currently holding this role. She is working toward becoming a nutritional adviser and I'm her guinea pig. Total win-win situation.
- I will not make a decision to make an exception in the moment. Ever.
- Anything not on the diet plan gets run by Katie at least 24 hours prior. That way I will never have a doubt in my mind about whether it's a good idea or not.
Instead of battling this monster from the same angle I have been over and over again for years, I feel like I'm finally attacking from the high ground. I've underestimated my opponent in the past and it has been my downfall. I think Satan even let me gain some ground to make me think that I was on the right track. But I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm done building this house on sand. I'm going to start giving myself the foundation I need so that when the wind and waves hit, I don't go running to the cookies.
The bottom line is this is a sin issue for me. I know no one wants to look at eating that way, and it may make some people think I'm over-spiritualizing, but for me, it's the truth. I'm letting something other than God rule. That's idolatry. So I'm going to have me an idol-burning party. :)
I beg for your prayers in this. Ben and I leave on vacation in 3 days and vacation has generally held a "no rules" mentality for me. It can't be that way ever again. I have to view it like an alcoholic going out and getting plastered and thinking it doesn't matter. That's ridiculous. And it's the same way with me and food. But I finally feel confident that this is the right path. Not to make me skinny or even to make me healthy, but to make me free. I think the other two will come shortly afterward.
Leigh
