What Happens After "Before and After"

Before, 230 pounds

After, 155 pounds

My weight went up by about 5 pounds recently. This puts me at 175. Which is 25 pounds away from my dream goal and about 15 pounds away from a healthy BMI.

I have some excuses or "reasons" for why I put on the weight... I was sick for nearly 3 weeks, which put exercise off the table, while also making my regular dieting ways difficult. My grandmother passed away and my family was going through some stressful changes, and stress makes my body hold on to weight even more than usual. On top of that, I had some tests done and found out that certain hormonal levels are dangerously low, which will cause weight gain. I also have some unreasonable excuses... mainly little compromises that build on each other. But nothing I can't make a turnaround on with a little help... I hope. None of this equals a hopeless situation.

But here's what I hear in that paragraph above: blah, blah, blah. Excuses, excuses, excuses. And the girl who always feels defeated inside me grabs the mic and starts in on me. "This is what happened last time you put all your weight back on. Little by little. You thought things would be different, but clearly you're destined to be fat. Look at yourself even now! Your pants are too tight and you've got a gut!" She doesn't end there, but for your sake, I'll end there.

In addition to defeated girl, that old vanity monster still lives inside my head (although I've shot the thing a lot... somehow it grows back if you don't watch it carefully) and it is PISSED. It starts telling me that extreme measures are now absolutely necessary. Things like just not eating become tempting. I just want the weight off NOW. Screw the whole "healthy" path.

Needless to say, there's a lot of feelings of guilt, shame and discouragement flying around right now. I'm feeling desperate. I just want some control with this and I am tempted to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

And suddenly, the warning alarm starts going off.

One guess who I'm not asking for help or guidance from. That's right... God. I've done what I usually do all over again: started out with all the right motives and tools and then slowly edged God out of the equation all together because for some reason I think I've got it handled now. Which reminds me of a bipolar person who goes off their meds because they're feeling better. A.k.a. it's INSANITY. You don't walk away from the thing that keeps you healthy because you are now healthy! You cling even more desperately to it because it's shown itself to be effective! What is with us always thinking it'd be better if we were in control of our lives instead of leaning on God in complete trust?

Satan wants to lie to me and tell me there's a faster way. An easier way. A shortcut. And it's total crap. The ONLY way out of this for me is by surrendering each day, each meal, each bite over to the Lord. And then also asking for help and motivation to move and strengthen my body. Now there are practical things involved with this. There are habits and accountability that need to be in place. There's also some hormonal imbalances that are getting worked out. But ultimately, this is me surrendering my desire for thinness over to God. Again. Because as much as I'd love to take a shortcut and look good in pictures at my sister-in-law's wedding in 3 weeks, if that shortcut costs me in the long run, it's not worth it. I don't want to compromise what I know is right for a "right now" feelings boost.

My accountability partner/nutrition adviser gave me some great advice a couple weeks ago when I called crying in frustration. She asked me to write down all the things that are good right now. All the things that make this time different than last time. Here's my list:

Things that I'm thankful for/where I've made progress/still to be done:

• I'm eating healthy foods, not letting unhealthy food choices rule
• We're working on getting my hormones regulated
• I'm going to order vitamin D to help with the depression and weight stuff
• Sally thinks my blood work is good!
• I'm making changes that will benefit me for the rest of my life, not just make my weight go down right now 
• My energy levels are increasing and working out is possible again (weights make my body really happy!)
• Ben thinks I'm beautiful no matter what weight I am and wants me to be healthy more than he wants me to be thin
• This is not the same as the last time I was at this weight. I'm not making excuses to eat crappy, food is not in control, I have accountability and support.
• I have Katie and Sally on my team! They're here to help me figure things out! :)

All of that reminded me that I'm not stuck. There's no need for me to become desperate. There's no need for me to take a deadly shortcut, because I'm still on the right path, even if the scale isn't my friend right now. Don't get me wrong, I still want to take the shortcut, but that desire is greatly diminished by the fact that I know it's not worth it (and not necessary!).

So here's me preaching to myself (maybe a few of you out there can say something similar to yourselves)...

Leigh, you were once a girl who was out of control. You ate horrible foods and made a lot of excuses. You binge-dieted and then binge-ate. All of that lead to uncontrolled weight gain and a pants size of 22. BUT YOU ARE NOT THAT GIRL ANYMORE. You are a size 12! The size of those ripped jeans you hung on your door and dreamed of wearing! You looked at those jeans and thought they were tiny. That's what size you are RIGHT NOW. So stop freaking out about right now's appearance and start working on what needs to be tweaked. The key word is TWEAKED. An overhaul is not necessary and that differentiation is EVERYTHING. Take a deep breath, lean hard into the Lord, and keep moving forward.

*takes a deep breath*

Okay. Here we go. Again. Or still.

Also, here's what I look like now. It's clearly nothing to freak out over. And like I said, the 230 pound version of myself would KILL to look like I look right now. So thank You Jesus, for bringing me this far and for being trustworthy to finish the good work You started in me.

After after, 175 pounds

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

New Year, Old Me

A few days ago something completely normal happened... the clock struck twelve. Yet for most of us, it did so with extreme significance. Many of us looked back at 2015 and did a mental catalog of all that's happened, both good and bad. And if you're like me, you looked at a little list you'd made a year prior and did a quick "did I measure up?"

I don't know if I've gone a year yet without making a list of New Year's Resolutions that didn't have at least one pertaining to weight loss. Last year was no different. I wrote down "Get down to 150 or a healthy weight." You know how much weight I lost in 2015? Zero. I didn't lose any weight in 2015. To be completely honest, it took me a second to shake off my disappointment in myself (old habits die hard). But after thinking about it for a moment, I quickly realized how foolish my disappointment was.

I didn't lose weight last year, but I most definitely did find my healthy place (which is usually strongly correlated with my happy place) with my weight. If you've read my last two blog posts, you know God has done a lot to change my heart regarding how I view food and how I view beauty (to sum up, I'm addicted to food and I often equate my value with how beautiful others think I am). God's helping me work on both these issues and 2015 saw me freed from a lot of chains. But one of His biggest gifts came to me on Christmas morning (well timed, God).

I honestly don't know how it came about, but Ben and I were talking about weight-loss for whatever reason and something suddenly became abundantly clear. Having an extra 15 pounds on my body is a huge benefit to me. Let me explain...

 For those of you who know me, my greatest desire in life is to be some kind of a counselor. I crave serving others in their dark emotional moments, helping to bring comfort and hope. What that looks like exactly in the future is still up for debate, but one thing has been essential in my ability to counsel others. People need to trust me. A couple of friends at our small group once called me disarming and I called Katie and told her that I'd finally found a compliment that I'd rather get more than "you're beautiful". Being disarming means others find me more easy to trust. And if they trust me, the better the odds they'll share the hard stuff in life with me. So what does all that have to do with my weight loss?

Confession: I immediately distrust and/or despise hot girls (blonde ones most of all, for some odd reason). What I mean by "hot girls" in this case are those who look like they have their beauty all put together. They're "perfect" in their bodies, their hair, their clothes, their makeup, etc. It's ironic that I hate them because I also have spent most of my life trying to be one of them. Although this isn't too ironic, because jealousy and hate go hand-in-hand. All that being said, God hit me upside the head on Christmas morning with this truth: if being "perfect" outwardly (and we all know perfect is used loosely here, because it's a completely unattainable thing... I'll always want a few more pounds lost, or blonde hair, or the loose skin on my legs and stomach to go away, etc.) makes me less approachable, disarming, and/or trustworthy, then I don't want it. I actually, truly don't.

Why in the world am I chasing something that not only is unattainable (there will always be someone prettier than me, as we previously talked about), but can also have the capacity to make me less capable of doing the thing I love most in this life?

This hit my heart like a ton of bricks. And I cried (no shock to anyone). Side note: what was kind of hilarious about this scene is all of this happened in the middle of a conversation with Ben, but the logic and truth was getting worked out completely inwardly. So when the truth hit and I started crying happy tears, Ben had no idea what was going on. Poor guy. Anyhooo... I felt free. Once upon a time, a couple of decades ago, God helped me see how my extra weight had been a protection for me (long story, I'll write it out a different time). On Christmas morning, He showed me how a little extra weight was not a liability/burden at all... it was an asset. 

I'm very glad the Leigh on New Year's Eve last year added "... or a healthy weight" to my 150 pound resolution. Because now I look at that resolution and know that God helped me attain it. God helped me in 2015 to become more healthy in body (cutting out sugar and working on making my body healthy, not thin), mind (I actually don't want to be thin! HURRAY!!!) and soul (food is a sin issue for me and I don't want it to rule in my heart). 

For the first time ever, I think I'll leave off a weight loss goal on my list of 2016 resolutions. I might have some semi-related goals (getting my back strong and healthy comes to mind), but I think I'll leave off the rest. More than anything, this is what I want:

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14

Happy New Year, all.

Addiction

My mom went to rehab when I was 10 years old. She had struggled with her drinking mostly in secret for years, using alcohol as a crutch when she was overwhelmed by feeling like she didn't measure up. In her desperate attempt to be perfect, she drank to cope, because as we all know, no one can really "do it all" and certainly no one can do it all perfectly. Then after many years of struggle, she decided to quit and went to rehab to kick the addiction for good.

My mom has now been sober for more than 20 years. I am so incredibly proud of her and could go on for many, many paragraphs about how her struggle has affected and influenced my life for the better. She is my hero and because of her transparency, I have seen God do amazing things through her.  But before I get on a roll gushing about how great my mama is, I should probably get to what's relevant to today's post. My mom is not the only addict in my family. I stand there with her.

For years my struggle with food has been one between vanity ruling and food ruling. Some days I'm motivated by affecting the scale (and my waistline), some days I'm motivated by what feels good right at that moment. "I don't care," I tell myself, while shoving more tater tots in my mouth. And it's a lie, of course, because I DO care. But what I often care about is not being healthy or holy, it's about being thin. Anybody out there understand what that's like?

In the last 5ish years, I've asked God to help me find the right motivation. Wanting to be thin hasn't been enough of a motivation to keep me from going back to food. Wanting to be healthy hasn't even really done it, although it's helped. Food still has me shackled. I am food's slave. And where I was deceived the most in the last few years is I thought I had it "mostly" under control. 75% of the time, I could do the right thing, make the right decision about food. And that was a huge step forward in comparison to what it had been in the past. But as we all know, that last 1/4 of the time can completely destroy the good done in the other 3/4.

So I searched for a better dieting plan. I tried out more rules, more strategies, more recipes, hoping it would be the difference between success and failure. And, no surprise, I would always end up right back where I was. Feeling defeated and a bit hopeless. Wondering exactly what it was that I was doing wrong or shaming myself mercilessly for not being more self-controlled. But I never addressed the biggest issue at hand: I am an addict. And before I can find the right healthy eating plan, I have to confront this much larger elephant in the room.

Often in the past I have treated this ferocious monster more like a stray mouse. For instance, when I screwed up a dieting plan, I would tell my accountability partner with a bit of laughter in my voice, "Oh man, I screwed up so bad the other day... I think I ate a dozen cookies in like 10 minutes." And we'd laugh and commiserate and say "it happens" or "we all have those days". And that was all. But here's the thing: because I am an addict, just like my mom is an alcoholic, I cannot treat these moments like they're no big deal. If my mom had a glass of wine, she would be breaking 20 years of sobriety. And my eating addiction needs to be treated with the same amount of gravity.

Jesus said that if your arm causes you to sin, it's better to cut it off. In that same vein, I've decided to make some drastic changes, not unlike what my mom has had to do. Here's my new list:

1. I will make my home a safe zone. Food that has a hold on me will not cross the threshold. 
• This includes throwing out or donating all items that are not on my healthy eating plan
• If I host a dinner or party where non-diet items are around, those items will either be sent home with a guest or thrown out. The whole "but there's starving children in Africa!" mentality does not apply here because starving children in Africa do not benefit from me eating 5 extra brownies. 
2. I will invite God into my "non-diet" food choices. 
• I realized that I had basically been giving no thought or prayer to my food choices on "off days" or "off meals". It's like I'd been happily handing the reins over to food. I was treating those times like people do Las Vegas: What happens during off days, stays during off days. And we all know that slogan is total crap. 
3. I will tell trustworthy people just how serious this is for me in order to help hold me accountable.
• My mom is quick to tell people she's an alcoholic. It's the best way to keep her safe from temptation. If everyone knows she shouldn't drink, she won't be thinking about whether she can get away with having a glass of wine. Same deal with me. While I can't tell everyone I know I'm a food addict (the lines aren't as clear with food as they are with alcohol, unfortunately), I can tell key people. For example, the girls in my small group are definitely going to know about this, so that when we're out to eat together and I don't order anything, they don't do the girl pressure thing ("live a little!") or think I'm on some crazy diet.
4. I will have someone in my life who is similar to an AA sponsor.
• My best friend Katie is currently holding this role. She is working toward becoming a nutritional adviser and I'm her guinea pig. Total win-win situation.
5. I will not make a decision to make an exception in the moment. Ever.
• Anything not on the diet plan gets run by Katie at least 24 hours prior. That way I will never have a doubt in my mind about whether it's a good idea or not.

Instead of battling this monster from the same angle I have been over and over again for years, I feel like I'm finally attacking from the high ground. I've underestimated my opponent in the past and it has been my downfall. I think Satan even let me gain some ground to make me think that I was on the right track. But I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm done building this house on sand. I'm going to start giving myself the foundation I need so that when the wind and waves hit, I don't go running to the cookies.

The bottom line is this is a sin issue for me. I know no one wants to look at eating that way, and it may make some people think I'm over-spiritualizing, but for me, it's the truth. I'm letting something other than God rule. That's idolatry. So I'm going to have me an idol-burning party. :)

I beg for your prayers in this. Ben and I leave on vacation in 3 days and vacation has generally held a "no rules" mentality for me. It can't be that way ever again. I have to view it like an alcoholic going out and getting plastered and thinking it doesn't matter. That's ridiculous. And it's the same way with me and food. But I finally feel confident that this is the right path. Not to make me skinny or even to make me healthy, but to make me free. I think the other two will come shortly afterward.

Moving forward in faith,
Leigh

Battling in the Promised Land

It's been a long time. Which means I'm going to write a lot. And it's not going to be well-written, either, because if I try to tell myself it has to be perfect, I'm not going to write at all. So, because of all that, let's start with something funny to make you actually want to read the rest of the blog (I'll throw more in here and there to keep it interesting):

Let's just state the obvious first. It's been 3 years since I've written here. Which means it's been over 4 years since I started this crazy journey. Although, of course, my "healthy lifestyle" journey has been going on since long before I ever decide to have weight loss surgery. I do feel like it was a turning point, however. It's a place in my journey where I want to lay down stones like the Israelites did after they crossed the Jordan river (you can find the story in Joshua 3).

Like the Israelites, I feel like I had wandered a long time in the "weight loss" desert. I can even think of how my first huge weight loss moment that had happened a few years prior had kind of been like my emancipation from Egypt. I thought I'd never be free of the shackles of my weight and food struggles. And then God got me out and gave me miracles I didn't deserve. I lost 80 pounds, got married (which I had only thought would be possible if I were thin), and felt confident in how I looked for the first time in my life. But again like the Israelites, I hadn't learned the lesson of complete dependence on God. My eyes were on the deliverance and the promised land, not on God. And slowly but surely, I fell back into all the same problems.

All that fancy analogy means is that my motives weren't yet in check. I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to be thin. I wanted to be thin because I wanted to be beautiful. And I wanted to be beautiful because I felt I was worth more as a person (in my eyes and in the eyes of others) when I was pretty. And I didn't think beautiful and overweight were ever a package deal.

What happened right around the time I had surgery was a moment of surrendering my dieting and weight-loss journey over to God. My instinct was to make this all about vanity and I knew that had to change. It wasn't easy and I'm still fighting the instincts that were a part of how I thought for so long, but I can see clearly how it was the beginning of using my weight-loss struggle as a way to draw near to God. And in the process the struggle itself became not to be thin, but to be healthy in mind, body and soul. There are a few important truths there that I'm now getting my mind to actually believe:

1. My worth as a person is not tied to my weight or how thin I am. (Original faulty belief: thin = pretty, pretty = valuable. Faulty belief brought on by: being a teenager. Or walking through the mall. Or any pretty girl on television/movies/Miss America pageants. I could go on, but we all get this one, I think.)
2. Just like every other girl out there, I have a beauty that is all my own and was never meant to be compared to anyone else's. (Original faulty belief: if I am in a room with someone prettier than me, I am no longer pretty. Faulty belief brought on by: see above.)
3. Being thin and being healthy are not the same things. Just because I can keep my weight down does not mean I have a healthy mindset about food. In addition, an unhealthy mindset will eventually come back to bite me. (Original faulty belief: if I work out enough, I can eat whatever I want and then I'll be healthy AND not have to worry about my eating habits! Faulty belief brought on by: a certain family member who runs marathons and then eats licorice and peanut butter for breakfast.)

So here I am 3 years later. Here's the nitty gritty weight update: As of yesterday morning, I weigh 169.6 pounds. I'd maintained my weight between 155-160 for about 2 years and then last year we went through a crazy period where I put on about 10 pounds. The short version of the story is that we were in the process of moving across the country and I thought God had told me that as long as my clothes fit and I felt good about myself, He didn't want me to get on the scale. I honestly don't know if that was God, (and because of the result, I somehow doubt it) but regardless, I gained all the extra poundage in about 2 months. When we got to our new destination, I got on the scale and about died. And if I'm honest, I've been struggling within 5 pounds of that weigh-in weight since then.

Because of my weight going up (and unfortunately my pants size going up a size as well... yuck), I've recently jumped back on the weight-loss wagon. Now as many of you know, maintaining and losing are two very different things.

Maintaining is much more relaxed. A pound up, a pound down, no big deal. Losing weight means I'm suddenly much more stressed out about the scale. A pound down means nothing until I've gone at least a week with that pound still down. And dear Lord, if I go up a pound, it's DEVASTATING and turns me into a guilt-ridden mess who suddenly is going back through every bite to see where I went wrong. Eating while dieting can be even more of an unhealthy obsession than eating when not dieting. Which seems backwards to me, because I'm trying to be healthy.

All that being said, this time around, I am tweaking a few things. God's wisdom has taught me that focusing all day on the food I'm eating (or not eating) is not healthy. I have enough healthy habits that are cemented into my life (including not having any "binge items" in my house), that I don't have to be super strict and have the diet take over my life. I don't have to count every calorie. What I do have to do is listen to God about my eating.

Now I know that sounds super overly spiritual. And to be clear, I'm not saying I wait for the Holy Spirit to "move" before I allow myself to eat. It's not that dramatic. What I do is invite God into the kitchen with me. I talk to Him when I'm making my food choices. And, of course, He's with me in Costco, too, because we all know I'm not making it out of there without a pie in my cart if God's not helping me. :)

I've never been very good at stopping before my plate is empty, so I try to be more aware of His voice while I eat, too. Just because there's "only two" bites left doesn't mean I have to eat them (no joke, I've literally heard God tell me "no" when I already had the bite in my mouth. And He's had to remind me that I hadn't swallowed yet.). I try to listen when I load up my plate, too. For example, sometimes there's just a little more than enough leftovers than I really need. And my old instinct is to just put it all in my bowl. God's been teaching me that there's no reason to do that. Even if there's only a few bites left of the leftovers after I serve myself, it's better left in the fridge or even down the garbage disposal than put into my body when I'm already full.

Other than that, it's just one obviously good (or even "better than bad") choice at a time. And like Lysa TerKeurst talks about in Made to Crave (insert broken record noise), one victorious choice at a time leads to victory.

So, here's what all that practically means for me right now: I'm heavier than what I believe is healthy. I need to be more diligent about my choices and I'd like to lose some weight. Exactly how much is debatable. I'd love to be at 150, but I'm not holding myself to that number. I'm talking to God about it. I know my body would feel better if I built up some muscle (I've had some random health/body-broken issues lately), so I'm working on that. There are a few strict "rules" I hold to, but I like to think of them more like boundaries. I eat a protein-rich breakfast every morning. I only have one cup of coffee a day. I don't bring food into the house that I know will test my self-control. There are lots of other things, too, and maybe in my next post I'll lay it all out.

The first time I lost all my weight was a miracle God provided through basically perfect circumstances. The second time, it was a journey I took with God step by step, learning complete dependence on Him and, in the process, learning that the "promised land" of my weight-loss journey looked completely different than the one I had pictured. Now I feel like I've been dwelling in the promised land for a while, but some Philistines I didn't quite annihilate the first time around have reared their ugly heads and God and I are going back out to battle and claim the land. My prayer is that He'll help me truly clear out all the "idol-worship" that I have going on. I don't want to put my vanity or anything else before God. I want to honor Him in my eating and in doing so, honor Him in my life.

Back to Basics: Tools and Rules (Top 3)

Well hello there! Two and a half months later and I'm finally back in front of the computer writing again. It's been a crazy few months... my husband and I have gone on vacation, moved, almost moved again, and been running from one social obligation to another. But I'm excited to be back at the keyboard, if for no other reason than to kick-start my healthy habits.

Oh! But really quick, for those of you who remember me mentioning my "prom night" date that I was going to have with Ben, here's a photo (strapless gown for the win! Thanks Jani Snell!):

In the last year I've been asked now and again how I've managed to drop the weight (currently at 158 pounds, by the way). I thought I'd take some time to write out my "how-to" guide so that I have somewhere to point people in the future when I'm asked this question. It will also be a fabulous reminder for me on what I need to continue do to be successful. I'm calling them my "Tools and Rules". Today I'll start with my top 3.

(One quick disclaimer: I use the word "diet" a lot. I really hate that word because it's become so taboo over the last few years. I always get the people who look at me with condescension and say "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change". While I totally agree with that statement, that this is much more than just changing what you eat for a short period of time, I don't mean "diet" when it's defined like that. The word diet has two definitions in the dictionary. The noun: "The kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats." And the verb: "Restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight." While I am "dieting" by making restrictions on myself, I'm also simply talking about my "diet", as in the foods I eat habitually.)

Rule/Tool #1: Jesus & Made to Crave

The foundation for truly changing anything from bad to good in my life will always start with Jesus. It has only been with His guidance and grace that I've managed any of this. The best tool He gave me for this specific battle is a combination of His Word (which I need to use waaaaay more often than I do) and the words of Lysa TerKeurst in her book, "Made to Crave".

Lysa has been dealing with the struggle of food for many years and as many of us do, she's sought to find the right balance between saying no to food and saying no to vanity. In her book, what she really teaches her readers is to not just say no (and live in constant deprivation) but more importantly to say "yes". Yes to filling your life with God and choosing to redirect your unhealthy food cravings towards the One who you were created to crave eternally.

She gives her readers some practical advice on how to do things, but she does not say one diet plan or workout routine is best. I really appreciated that because I don't think one diet fits all any more than one cocktail dress fits all. Everyone is made differently, enjoys different foods, and usually has a specific workout that they know they will actually do. My diet and workout routine might be the perfect fit for some of you out there, but I know better than to think it will "work" for everyone. What will work is to lay down your eating habits at the cross and ask Jesus what needs to change about them. For me, food was in control of me instead of me being in control of my food. That needed to be dealt with (and still is dealt with) everyday while I figured out what my new lifestyle would look like.

Above all, my attitude about food, health and beauty needed to change. They were all tied together in this secret place that I wouldn't let God touch. Reading Made to Crave and giving God full access to this struggle was essential (and still is) to making me successful long term and not making it about the wrong things like looking hot in a mini-skirt. 

I recommend this rule/tool for everyone who struggles with food more than once in a while and wants to know what God thinks about your eating habits.

Rule/Tool #2: Food/Workout Tracking

This tool has been one that more recently I've been able to shelve, but was absolutely essential in the beginning of my journey. The web has tons of these tracking websites (Lifehacker lists their top five here), but my weapon of choice has been Sparkpeople.com. Sites like SparkPeople offer much more than a place to write down how many calories you've consumed. They offer food, workout, and goal tracking, while supplying you with recipes, fitness articles and testimonials of others who have been successful in their weight loss. They also offer a place to connect to others while you go through their weight-loss journey. You can access SparkPeople from your computer, but it's also available as an app on Android or Apple devices. I strongly encourage anyone starting a weight-loss plan to check out a site like SparkPeople and look into all they have to offer.

Tracking helped me be realistic about what I was eating and how much I was working out. It held me accountable and gave me parameters to stick to. Because I was such a major food addict, I needed all the boundaries I could get. I couldn't be trusted (still can't!) to make decisions in the moment. I needed a plan and rules in place so that I knew when it was okay to say yes and more importantly when I needed to say no to certain foods.

I recommend this rule/tool for anyone beginning their weight loss journey and in need of some structure. So basically everyone who wants to change their eating/workout habits and knows that simply wanting to change isn't enough. You need the how.

Rule/Tool #3: Greater Curvature Stomach Plication

This is the most controversial and drastic tool I've put in my dieting tool belt. Let me start by saying weight loss surgery is not for everyone. Most people will not need to do what I chose to do. And for those of you thinking about if it's the right step for you, I strongly suggest you do your homework, talk to your doctor and pray about it. It is not a cure all or a magic bullet. If you are not dedicated to changing how you deal with food (and your health in general), surgery will not fix your problem.

There are now many options available for someone considering weight loss surgery, all of which have their risks. Plication surgery is very new on the market, but the studies done have shown it to be one with the fewest complications and highest success rate long term. Also, since there's no device to implant (and pay for) it's one of the cheapest choices. This procedure was presented to me while I was looking into lap-band surgery, otherwise I would never have known about it. After much prayer and research, I truly felt God had brought this opportunity to me and two months later I was under the knife.

Plication surgery was just one more boundary put in place to keep me safe. When I do make indulgent food choices, it limits the amount. Even when I'm eating healthy foods, I used to have a very hard time with portion control and the surgery changed that for me. About a cup and a half of food and I'm basically stuffed. That means that things like buffets are no longer a temptation, since I'd barely be able to eat half a plate's worth anyway!

I recommend this rule/tool only to those who feel their eating is truly out of control, and only after much thought, prayer and research. You need to know the risks involved and know your own body's ability to handle those risks.

So there's the top three things I use in my healthy eating journey. I'll add to this list in my next post, giving a bit more of the "secret recipe" to how God's helped me lose 74 pounds.

Much love,
Leigh

Before and After (As Promised)

April 8th, 2011 at my friend April's wedding.

May 13th, 2012. Back in my wedding dress for the first time in 5 years!

1 Year Later

I've got a fun story to tell you...

I've been working hard this past week and a half, as I told you I would in my last blog. I needed to be at 157 on my scale in order to be at 160 on my doc's scale. After working hard (I COMPLETELY cut out sugar, amongst other things) I was hopeful that I might just make it. So, I woke up yesterday, did my usual pre-weigh in routine (go to the bathroom, undress, take hair tie out), stepped on the scale and saw: 159. I wasn't going to make it after all.

I can't lie, my heart broke a bit. I told God I was bummed, but that I knew He wanted me to remember how far I've come and that I also wasn't done yet. This is a lifelong change that I'm just at the beginning of. I did my best to get my heart right and remind myself that God's plans are bigger than a number on a scale and that I can trust Him with what was happening. Then I finished getting dressed, ate very little so that I would at least be as low as I could be at the doctor's office, and headed off.

When I got to the doc's office, I got changed into my wedding rehearsal dress (I got in my wedding dress earlier this week!! Such a fun bonus!). It's a simple black dress that's light weight, chosen because I knew there was going to be pictures, and also hoping it wouldn't affect the scale much. I had gotten my confidence back a bit, after all I had lost 73 pounds by my scale. That's nothing to sneeze at! I was shown back to an exam room, and got on the scale, ready to give my "well 98% excess weight loss is not bad!" speech. Then I looked up at the number:

160.0. On. The. Dot. 

I know God must have been smiling with me at this point. I didn't hear Him audibly, but I knew He was saying to my heart: "I needed you to turn your eyes on Me and My purposes for your life. I needed you to remember that it's just a number on a scale. I needed you to know that you're working so hard to please Me and bring Me glory, not your doctor. Once you had that straight, I was happy to give this to you, too." 

God has done so many miracles in my life. And yesterday He gave me one more. Looking back on the last year He has done so much; taught me and changed me and given me victory over things I thought would hold me forever. Thankful doesn't begin to describe how I feel about what He's done. And I won't stop at being thankful, either. I believe God has empowered me to defeat these demons not just for me, but so that I can help others know there's a way out, too. We all have our addictions. We all have our everyday battles that beat us down. But let me tell you something: God is bigger. And He wants in on the fight. You don't have to do this alone, no matter what your struggle is. God doesn't want you to try and fix your problems on your own. He knows you can't. He also knows He can. I'm living proof.

In the future, I hope to help women in the church specifically with this food battle. Two-thirds of America is overweight and the church is no exception. What that says to me is that food is an issue that people need God's help with. So often it's looked at as something that we need to do on our own. I mean, it's almost weird to think that God cares if I have another brownie. But He does. God cares about anything that is hurting us. Anything that is the master of us. And if we're consistently overweight and can't manage to control our food choices in order to help that, then food has become our master. I learned that the hard way.

So we'll see what God's going to do with this. I hope to be His tool to help others in any way He sees fit. I want others to experience the freedom that I've come to know. I want everyone to invite Jesus into their battles so that they can finally see victory.

(Steps off soapbox...)

Thank you all for supporting me through this last year. I'm not done yet, I actually still have another 9 pounds I want to lose regardless of what the doctor says, but I know I'll get there soon. Until then, I've got some fun plans to celebrate how far God's brought me when Ben and I go visit my folks in Vegas in a week and a half!

My plan for the future of this blog is to start including some healthy lifestyle "tips" that I've found the most beneficial. That will help keep me on my toes, too, and encourage me to keep looking for ways to be more healthy in a manageable way.

Much love to you all,
Leigh

P.S. Before and After pictures will be coming shortly!! (Ben saw the "before" picture and went, "noooooo..." it was pretty funny.) :)

Getting Close to the Finish Line... the Real One.

Latest update: 161.4 pounds. 71 pounds down. 11.4 to go. Newest finish line date: June 1st.

Funnest part of that update: I'M IN MY SIZE 10 JEANS!!!

Last time I was at the doctor's office he gave me some fantastic news. At my 10 month appointment, I'd lost 90% of my excess weight. (According to his scale I started at 228, and am currently at 167. 160 would put me at a technically healthy body mass index.) What did this mean to me? I've got 7 weeks to drop 7 pounds. And I had one thought.

It. Is. ON.

I mean, come on... I have to at least TRY for it! And so far? So far I'm down 3. In 3 weeks. And I'm on track to get to 100% of my excess weight lost by my next appointment (and a year from my surgery date): May 18. My body's responding pretty quickly to working out again, especially since I've added weights to the regimen.

What God has quickly reminded me is this: I'll get nowhere without His help. And I have to want His plan more than I want my own. So I told Him the truth, that I wanted to get to 160 (on the doc's scale) by May 18. But I also told Him that I didn't want to do this my way. I wanted to do it the right way. His way. So I dove back into Made to Crave and thankfully, the lessons are still rocking my dieting world. Even the 4th time around! 

I'm realizing that a healthy lifestyle with this eating thing is kind of like a healthy marriage. You can't just get lazy once things are good. Eventually, you'll start to slip more and more back into those old bad habits and have to fix it all over again. And I DO NOT want to EVER have to do this again.

Whether or not I hit 160 by that date, I know God has taken me through the worst of this addiction. Mind you, I know I can walk back into at any time, so I'll cling to Jesus as hard as I can from here on out. But if I'll do that, if I'll continue to faithfully renew my mind in His Word, I believe that I won't ever have to be at that desperate place I started ever again. And that is nothing short of miraculous. Food isn't my ruler any more. By God's grace, I am the ruler of my food. And it's gonna stay that way.

As always, your prayers are appreciated. God is doing a lot in my life right now (and my husband's life, too) and I know that being healthy is not the answer to all life's problems. But this last year has taught me so much about who I am in the Lord and how powerful He can be in me that I have faith He can take me through anything. (No, God, that is not a challenge...)

One really fun finish line prize I'm looking forward to? Ben's asked me to go to "prom" with him. Now let me explain... the other night we were at a restaurant and a bunch of high school kids walked by in their fancy dresses and black tuxes. I smiled and sighed. Ben noticed. He knows that in high school I was never asked to prom. (I only went because each year a good guy friend was kind enough to go with me) So he reached over and took my hand and asked, "Will you go to prom with me?" We decided to get all gussied up and go out together. He said he'll even rent a tux. And I realized that would be the perfect way to celebrate me getting to my goal weight. Get in some gorgeous gown and go out on the town with my very own Prince Charming. Yeah, I know, I'm spoiled. And I can't wait.

So my next post will be on May 18. I'll let you know if I "made it", but even if I didn't, I think I can say with confidence that I have faith that I'll get there. And in a lot of the most important ways, I know God's already brought me through. :)

See you in a week and a half!

<3 Leigh

Frustrations, Avoidance and Redemption

So you may have noticed I've been gone awhile. (Or maybe not...) And I have a confession. I've been avoiding you. Not any one of you specifically, but all of you. The truth is I've been avoiding writing here because my scale hasn't moved down. I've gotten a bit frustrated in my struggle with my weight and, quite stupidly, I thought that meant I had no right to write. But God reminded me that frustration is a part of everyone's struggle, regardless of what it is, and it's important to share with you while I'm frustrated. If I don't, I'm short-changing what God's doing. This frustration is part of my path, and I need to have enough faith in what God's going to do to share this part of the story with you. So here goes...

I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place. Specifically, I've been stuck between an injured and a sick place. I have an injury I've been battling for many months now that directly affects my ability to workout the way I normally do. With this comes good news and bad news. The bad news is that I can't do Zumba, which I miss like crazy. The good news is that I haven't been gaining weight. I've stayed the same! This is the first time in my life where I've managed that feat! And by "I've managed that feat" I of course mean God's blessed me as I unwittingly walked the path He chose.

The practical dieting side of the story goes like this:

I have a two or three health conditions that I've been dealing with for a few years now, one of which requires me to take thyroid medication everyday on an empty stomach (empty stomach = 2 hours of not eating before taking the pill, followed by at least 1 hour of not eating). I've always gotten up in the morning, taken my pill and then waited an hour to eat. But after an incident where I basically passed out at a doctor's appointment one morning, I found out I'm borderline hypoglycemic. I also have low blood pressure. All of that meant I had to find a new time to take my thyroid medication, as I had to eat within an hour of waking up. This led me, unwittingly, to the best dieting "trick" ever. I decided I would stop eating two hours before bedtime in order to take my pill on an empty stomach. I also started getting up earlier and making myself an all-protein breakfast every morning, to avoid any more passing out incidents. (Breakfast consists of 2 eggs and deli turkey, if you're curious... so good and so easy!) 

That combo of eating a high protein breakfast and stopping eating at least two hours before bedtime has totally changed how my body holds on to food. See, I haven't been just not working out (once again, due to injury, not by choice), I haven't really been dieting either. I've been careful, not eating the way I did a year ago, that's for sure, but I haven't been counting my calories on Sparkpeople.com like I usually have to. I've just been aware of when I'm hungry and need some food (I stick to protein whenever possible as my stomach does NOT like sugar/carbs on an empty stomach, part of the hypoglycemia), which has meant I've become a "grazer", eating little snacks throughout the day. I eat whatever is reasonable calorically and sounds appetizing. And somehow, my scale hasn't moved. This is nothing short of a miracle.

With all of the above in mind, I decided a few days ago to get my butt in gear again and lose that last 16 pounds before June 1st (Ben and I are going to Vegas for a week and it will be so fun to pack one of my old 2 piece bathing suits!). Just by getting back to tracking what I eat with the two new "rules" in place, I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. WITHOUT WORKING OUT. EATING 1500 CALORIES A DAY. That has NEVER been possible for me before!!! Usually it takes me eating 1000-1200 calories and then working out 5 times a week for at least 30 minutes in order for me to lose weight.

Let me just tell you that I am shocked at how powerful these two new habits are. I have, of course, heard that eating a good breakfast and not eating before bed are good for you, but I had no idea just how good they would be! I'm finally finding a healthy lifestyle I can keep up and not feel like I'm constantly in a state of deprivation. And as always, I didn't do this. God did.

I wouldn't have changed unless I had to. God knows this about me. I'm stubborn in my habits. Eating at night is not something I would give up unless it was absolutely necessary. So God allowed my body to break just enough to make it necessary. Getting up earlier to make myself breakfast falls into the same category... I love to sleep waaay too much and the morning is one of the few times when I'm usually NOT hungry. God knew that needed to change, too. He also knew that regardless of my stubborn habits, my heart's desire is to be healthy and wise with how I eat. So He went around my weakness and found a way to tether His best to a plan I could follow. I'm in awe of His goodness and grace. He continues to blow me away with how He can take something I'm determined to see as a bad thing and redeem it for His glory and my blessing.

I know this was a long post, and major kudos to you for finishing it. I hope and pray it has encouraged you to see that God can redeem things that we are sure are harmful and useless. I also hope that what I've relayed here can help you practically in your weight loss journey, should you be on one.

Until next time,

<3 Leigh

Bring on 2012

First post of 2012! Woohooo!!

Alright, this is gonna be short and sweet. The last two months have flown by and I've managed to maintain my weight, by God's grace. :) Now, it's time to kick things back into high gear. I've got goals for the new year (huge shock, I know) and here they are:

1. 150 pounds by April 1st. (Currently at 167)
2. Get my hip and knee healthy. (Need to go back to physical therapy)
3. Teach a Zumba class.

Those are my big three. I'm hoping to hit my goal weight before April, but I want to keep the timeline realistic and not kill myself trying to make it happen.

So there's my short and sweet blog. I do want to write more, but at the moment this is all my foggy brain can provide. I'll write again soon.

I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store!

<3 Leigh

So Much to Be Thankful For

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post! As always, my apologies... :) 

It's been almost 3 weeks since we've been back from our cruise (which was fantastic! Totally worth all the hard work!) and getting back to real life after 11 days of basically no diet has been tricky. I had my goal of not gaining while I was gone, and while I didn't quite make that, I only gained 2 pounds. I came home weighing 172.4. Happily as of this morning, I'm weighing in at 168.8.

It's been difficult getting back into my healthy habits, especially with no looming cruise deadline. God's had to really work on my motivation and remind me that I choose this lifestyle because I want to be obedient to Him, not because I want to look hot in my size 10 jeans. Made to Crave, the book I've been reading, has been a huge help in getting my focus back where it should be. I'm on my third time through the book and I have a funny feeling it won't be the last time I read it cover to cover.

In the book, Lysa talks about how a way to grow closer to God is to give up something that is permissable but not beneficial. I experienced that in a big way this week. My department at work does a Thanksgiving potluck the week before Thanksgiving, including everything from turkey (the smell wafted through the office all morning as it finished cooking) to mashed potatoes and gravy (my favorite thing ever) to an array of desserts. When situations like this come up in my life, my immediate response is always "well, I won't be dieting on THAT day." But this year, as I struggled to get back on the healthy eating wagon, I felt God tug on my heart. I had been crying to Him that I was having a hard time, and that the department potluck wasn't going to help, and I felt like God said, "So don't eat it. Spend time with Me instead."

Don't eat it? Skip out on the opportunity to stuff my face with all my favorites? Endure the smell of baking turkey for 3 hours and then pass on the chance to EAT IT? Oy. I don't waaaant to. But, when God asks me to do something (or in this case, NOT do something) I have a very hard time saying no. (The guilt is horrific and NEVER worth it) And it was beyond obvious that it was the best choice for me. So I helped set everything up, then snuck off to my favorite coffee shop for a drip coffee and some Jesus time.

I'm so glad I did. The times when I feel God's presence intensely have become so very precious to me, especially in my "grown-up" years. I think He knew I needed that when I was younger in order to hold on to my faith, but now those times are farther between. So as I sat with my headphones in, playing BarlowGirl's "Enough" I started to cry as I felt God's presence reassuring my heart. Food may have power over me, but God's power is greater. He can deliver me. He WAS delivering me, right that second, as I had been given enough will power by His Spirit to walk away from my favorite meal. In that moment it was crystal clear... Food has no lasting benefit. But my relationship with God? It's EVERYTHING.

I know it may not seem like an "either/or" situation, but here's what it comes down to for me: I can either be ruled by food, or ruled by God. I can focus on food or I can focus on God. Even when I'm dieting, if I'm just focused on what I CAN'T have, food is still the ruler of my thoughts. But if I shift my focus, turn my eyes on Jesus, seek first the kingdom of God, I gain everything. Everything that lasts.

I know this struggle with food isn't over, but this week I let God fight one of the battles while I sat by watching. And He SLAUGHTERED my enemy. Maybe one day this lesson will be completely solidified in my head and heart, that if I try to do this on my own, I'll fail. But if I fall at Jesus' feet, He'll carry me through.

So this Thanksgiving season, I'm so very thankful. Thankful for all the amazing blessings God's given to me. And right this second, I'm especially thankful that my God is a warrior who fights for my heart.

I hope you remember what and Who is most important this season. Not in a "you should feel guilty" kind of way... I just know I want to keep Him first in my heart because it is worth so much more than anything this world could offer. Especially mashed potatoes and gravy. ;)

<3 Leigh

Christmas came 2 days early!

A quick update... yesterday I got on the scale, prepared for anything, and found this glorious number staring up at me: 170.2. I MADE IT! Two days ahead of schedule! This is nothing short of a small miracle and I must praise God and give Him all the glory. I'm off to finish packing, but had to share the news as I promised I would. He is so faithful and good to me!

<3 Leigh

Nearing the finish line... sort of.

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31

This verse keeps coming back to me. God's so good and He continually brings me to the parts of His Word that most affect my life right now. And right now, I needed the reminder that I'm not on this healthy lifestyle journey to fit into a bikini, I'm on it to gain Him glory. So, in the hopes of gaining Him glory, here's my latest update:

I'm injured. My right hip/knee have been killing me for a few weeks and I finally gave in and went to physical therapy. Turns out my IT band on the right side of my right leg is super tight and pulling at my hip and knee joints. This means I can't do any Zumba or other high impact workouts until I'm all fixed up. I'm sure physical therapy will help me get back to my normally scheduled activities eventually, but for now getting a workout in is tricky. Which means losing weight is tricky. Or at the very least it's slower. That's the bad news.

The good news? God's still answering my prayer to get down to 170 by the cruise date. By His goodness and grace alone, I weighed in this morning at 171.4! With 5 days to go before we leave for the cruise, a pound and a half is completely do-able! And the fact that I really do believe that, even though I'm injured, is a complete miracle. I don't believe I can do this. But I believe God can do this.

Injuries and sickness have plagued my weight loss journey for the last 6 years. I'd get a decent rhythm going for awhile, workout like crazy, eat better (but not great) and start losing weight. Inevitably soon after, though, I'd throw my back out (I have two herniated discs in my back that sporadically act up) or I'd have a Mono relapse (at the time I didn't know that could even HAPPEN) or some other variation of my body giving out on me would occur. Dieting without being able to exercise was always pointless in my mind, and so, frustrated and feeling defeated, I'd head back to the fat wagon.

That is why I can say that me believing God can get me down to 170, regardless of my injury, is such a miracle. Carefully restricting what I ate was never really an option in my mind before now. This time around, however, it's different. I'm different. And how I think about food is very different. I want my life to reflect 1 Cor. 10:31... that whether I eat or drink, I do it to the glory of God. I couldn't ever say that when I was consistently ordering takeout with extra guacamole. I wasn't glorifying God with my food choices. Now, however, I want to. Which doesn't mean I can't ever have chips and guac again. It just means I'll eat them in reasonable portions and with the right mindset. I won't let food rule me. By the Holy Spirit, I will practice self-control and rule my food. Those of you who know me know just what an incredible miracle that is.

So there's your update. I pray it gains God glory and maybe even inspires someone out there to trust God with their weight loss journey, instead of their own abilities. Because I know for me, what it came down to is not letting my appetite be my king. I'm ruled by Jesus Christ, not my cravings for a cheeseburger. And as long as I let Him rule, there's nothing I can't do.

I'll try to write again (even if just to say "I MADE IT!") on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. However, if life gets too crazy, you can count on an update at the beginning of November when Ben and I get back from our cruise. :)

Oh, that reminds me... Please please pleeeease pray for me while I'm on the cruise. Living in a land of 24 hour room service and buffets will be a decent test of my newfound spiritual discipline muscles. My goal is to maintain my weight on the cruise, so I'm not looking to lose any weight while I'm gone, but I do not want to fall back into my old "food rules" habit. As always, this can only happen if I cling to Jesus and His strength.

Much love!
<3 Leigh

One more month...

Okay, it's getting old saying this... but it's been too long since I've written. And man oh man, do I ever need to write. I only have a month left until the cruise and I know I need to really buckle down and GET IT DONE.

Update #1: I'm at 180 pounds. 52 pounds lost in a little over 4 months! All glory to the Lord! I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for how far He's brought me.

Update #2: As of September 9th at 5 PM, I became a licensed Zumba instructor! I wish I could explain just how huge of a miracle this is to me. Almost a greater gift than the 52 pounds I've lost so far. I've always loved dance, and in the last few years, being totally addicted to So You Think You Can Dance, I've dreamed of becoming a dancer. But it always seemed impossible. Then a friend introduced me to Zumba and I immediately became addicted. It's SO MUCH FUN! And to think that (hopefully) I'll eventually get paid to do it? It's beyond anything I could have hoped for.

Despite the two amazing updates above, the last few weeks I've felt like I've gotten a bit off track. My workouts haven't been as consistent (I'll spare you the excuses of "I've been super busy" or "I got sick") and I feel like I've wasted precious time. The cruise is 4 weeks away! With that in mind, it's time to kick some serious butt.

My friend Jani (major honorable mention goes to her, since she originally offered to be my Jillian Michaels and has been such an awesome supporter through my weight loss) reminded me about the show the Biggest Loser. I watched the season premiere last night and immediately realized I could be pushing myself a LOT harder. I know I don't live on "the Ranch" but that doesn't mean I can't be committed to an hour (or even two!) of working out a day. If there was ever a time to neglect social engagements and just focus on getting in shape, it's now!

So here's my latest goal: I want to lose 10 more pounds before the cruise. No more off days, no more excuses. I need to make these last four weeks COUNT. That being said, I can't do this on my will power alone. I need the Lord's help and I covet your prayers! I'm not doing this weight loss thing just for the cruise or even to look better. I'm doing this because it's part of God's refining plan for my life and I want to honor Him with how I eat and how I take care of this body He's given me. I believe He has big plans to use all of this.

So here we go, God help me. 170 by October 21st, Lord willing.

Oh, and if you see me eating a donut, do me a favor and smack me upside the head. :)

Much love,
Leigh

Slow and Steady Better Win this Race

Hello again!

Two more weeks have passed and I've lost about as many pounds. As of this morning, 186.6. Nothing earth-shattering, but, as the title of my post suggests, I'm hoping to slowly keep on going and eventually I'll hit that finish line.

The past two weeks have been great in a lot of ways. The first big update to report is that I signed up for Zumba certification training on September 9th. I'm gonna be a Zumba instructor! Well, hopefully... :) It's been a dream of mine for awhile and instead of waiting to hit my goal weight before I got certified, I decided to jump the gun a little. After all, it's pretty good motivation! A friend of mine just got certified on Saturday, so I now know what to expect exactly one month from tomorrow. I'm excited, but also super nervous, so all prayers are greatly appreciated!

The second update is that I found an accountability partner! It was a huge answer to prayer to find a friend in a similar place who wants to walk this path with me. Her journey will look very different than mine, but the struggle is the same. It's felt so great knowing that she's praying for me and cheering me on! Plus I get to do the same for her, which is something I hope to do more of in the future for women struggling with their weight.

I survived my first "vacation-ish" time, which even included a trip to the Cheesecake Factory! You want to know what I ordered? A mini egg breakfast. Not even kidding. And I didn't even finish half of it! To God be the glory! :) I sat at the table debating inside my head, "You HAVE to order cheesecake. How can you NOT?!" And then I realized... why did I HAVE to? This is not the last chance I'll ever have to eat cheesecake. And even if it was, why would that mean I HAVE to have it? It wasn't easy saying no, but somehow there was freedom in realizing that the piece of cheesecake didn't own me. It didn't have to ruin my diet that day. I could just say no and walk away without taking any shame (or cheesecake) with me. :)

The weight coming off so slowly has definitely been frustrating, but as always, God's been using it to teach me to trust Him. I'm trying to be thankful for the opportunity. (I'm not perfect at that, that's for sure!) I'm so thankful for the amazing people God's surrounded me with who have been encouraging me through all of this. Especially on the days when the scale goes up instead of down. I tend to get a wee-bit, um, hysterical when that happens. :) I'm thankful for God's (and my family's) patience with me in those times.

Thanks again to all of you for your support, prayers and love. It means more than I can say.

<3 Leigh

Peaks and Plateaus

Once again, it's been way too long since I've written. This time, however, I promise to keep the update short. :)

A lot has been happening in the past few weeks, but sadly, not a lot has happened on the scale. It's been 3 weeks and I've lost just shy of 6 pounds. And I can honestly say it's not for a lack of trying! I've been working out 4-5 times a week and staying between 1000-1200 calories a day, with one "off day" a week where I allow myself to eat a meal or two of my choosing. This plan is way more intense than the last time I lost all my weight and somehow the pounds are coming off slower. It's annoying. However, I'm thankful that God is teaching my heart something in the meantime, regardless of how fast or slow the pounds come off. The bottom line is, the pounds are coming off. :)

Lately I feel like God's encouraged me to clean up my life. So much of my time was getting taken up by clutter and while making room for the clutter, I was throwing out the important things. For example, I've decided to basically take myself off Facebook for awhile. I've got my account activated at the moment, but I'm using it strictly for messaging. I stay away from browsing through people's status updates. Or their pictures from their latest trips (usually where the girls are looking gorgeous and tan, making the little green monster in me come alive in a BIG way). I've also basically decided to fall off the map socially as much as I can. I want to spend these next three months pushing myself as hard as I can to reach my goal. That means I can't push off working out two or three nights a week to go out for Mexican with my girlfriends.

That's the short version of what I'm up to with "de-cluttering" my life. In addition to wanting to focus on my weight loss, I also want to focus on studying my counseling materials so that when I do get back out into the broader social world, I'm equipped to use the gifts God's given me. (Which sounds cocky, but I don't mean for it to... hopefully you all understand what I mean.) With that in mind, I'm really excited to see what God will do with this time. Because above all else, I want to use it to draw closer to Him and have Him refine me.

That's the gist for now. I covet your prayers, as always. One thing I'm really praying to find is someone who can either take this "getting healthy" journey with me, or at the very least hold me accountable to the new life standards I have in place. I don't want to be a burden to any of my inner circle friends with this, since it does take a bit of commitment from them. But I know how beneficial it would be to have someone who's consistently walking this path with me, even if just as an observer.

Much love to you all!
<3 Leigh

My New Life Has Begun

Before I say anything else, let me apologize for the length of time since my last post. Summer has been crazy! Working 40 hours, working out, side projects and a social schedule have been making a blog post impossible. I hope you'll forgive me. :) (And for those of you who didn't notice I was "gone" just ignore this paragraph)

I can't believe how different things are, even since the last time I wrote! First of all, I'm now at 194.4 pounds! My size 16 jeans are barely staying on me, (I actually can take them off without unbuttoning! That was a fun discovery) and I broke out some of my old smaller summer clothes with delight. I found a few things that I'm beyond stoked to get into to, but don't quite fit yet. Including a pair of size 12 ripped jeans that I never officially got to wear. I bought them on sale (well, my mom did actually) a few years ago, thinking that I'd use them for motivation to lose a few pounds. Sadly, I never got small enough to get into them back then, but now it really is a great motivation to me. I have brand new ripped jeans waiting for me! I told my mom I was tempted to pin them up on the wall in my bedroom just to give me a little kick in the rear. :) (For those of you who don't know this about me, I LOVE ripped jeans. Don't care if they go in or out of style, if I've got a pair, I'll wear them.)

When I packed up my "skinny" clothes three years ago I had only a small amount of hope that I would ever see them again. Just enough hope not to bring them to consignment or donate them. Ever since then they've haunted me. When we moved into this apartment two years ago and I had to move the bin marked "Size 10 Clothes" I did so with more than a little disappointment. The bin mocked me. "You had your chance and now it's gone... you'll never see these clothes on your body ever again." Even though they poked fun at me, I still couldn't get rid of them. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew I'd never quit this fight. No matter if I lost ground or gained it, I would never stop trying.

It turns out God was doing something with my weight gain that I didn't see. He was strengthening my marriage, for one thing. He challenged my past beliefs and showed me that my weight had nothing to do with how much my husband loved me. Ben has told me I'm beautiful everyday, regardless of what the scale has said. He's chosen to make me his standard of beauty and by God's grace I've always been able to trust Ben when he tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous. I hear women talk about getting changed in the dark because of how insecure they feel about their bodies (and I'm not even talking about overweight women!) and I am amazed that I've rarely felt that way, even at 232 pounds. And while part of that is knowing that my worth is not tied to my weight, it's also because my husband has made it abundantly clear that he loves me and my body. I don't think Ben would tolerate me getting dressed in the dark! :)

Back to the here and now. The scale has not been my daily friend, so I've changed my weigh-in schedule to once a week. I've been nervous to change when I got on the scale mostly because I didn't trust myself. I know the scale is the ultimate accountability. I can't hide from it's reality. So if I weigh myself daily, there's no way for me to lie to myself and say "I'm sure I did fine yesterday. An extra bite of dessert won't be that big of a deal." I also won't fall into the trap of thinking "I don't weigh in until Saturday, so I'll eat this now and then work out really hard the rest of the week." However, there were some drawbacks to daily weigh-ins. The scale is not always truthful. For about a week there it told me that, regardless of how hard I was working, I had gained half a pound. Not exactly motivational. Pretty freakin' DEmotivational. So I decided, as many professionals suggest, to weigh in once a week.

I had my first encounter with "vacation time" and thankfully, I managed to come out alright. I planned ahead which meals I was allowed to "splurge" on, and did my best to stick to my guns the rest of the time. Everyday counts and matters right now, which definitely helped keep me on track. October 21st is going to be here a lot faster than I  realize and I know how important it will be for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have to keep "future Leigh" in mind or she will HATE ME later.

One interesting thing I've realized in the last two weeks is that it's okay if I don't meet my 150 goal mark by that October date. Don't get me wrong, I want to be as close to that as I can be, but I think in my head I thought it was 150 pound Leigh or 230 pound Leigh. Happily, that's not the case! If I go on that cruise with 15 extra pounds on me, I'll still be comfortable in shorts and a tankini. I'll still want to take a million pictures of Ben and I. So if for some reason I can't reach that 150 pound mark in time, I'm at peace with that. There's a certain amount of freedom in knowing that it's not a requirement, just an ideal. And being 15 pounds shy of that ideal will not kill me or ruin our vacation.

On the surgery/new stomach front, things are going really well. The transition to eating regular foods has been seamless. I still find myself hungry after 2-3 hours, but I'm learning what foods cause that and trying to combat the hunger with prepared healthy snacks for in-between meals. So far, so good. The hunger pains don't awaken me in the middle of the night much anymore, and when they do they're rarely so bad that I have to eat something. Usually I'll just be uncomfortable for a few minutes before drifting back to sleep. I've realized that eating certain foods for dinner (high carb meals especially) will cause worse hunger pains later. For instance, a couple of nights I had a bowl of cereal for dinner. Healthy cereal, high in protein and without refined carbs for the most part, but still, cereal. Both those nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night with hunger pains that were impossible to ignore. So I've steered clear of making that mistake again.

Otherwise my diet has been pretty "easy" to keep to. (I say "easy" in quotes because NO diet is actually easy. But I've never been able to maintain this kind of diet before. This is a manageable lifestyle, which is what every person needs in order to keep to it. So really "easy" means "possible".) I have about 1000-1200 calories a day and try to workout four or five times a week. I allow myself one "cheat" night a week, where Ben and I can go out and I don't meticulously count the calories on my plate. I still stay away from the general "no-no" foods such as bread and rice even on splurge nights, but that's not too terribly hard. I don't keep any of that stuff in the house, so usually it's simply not an option. The wonderful part of all this is that I'm full with a MUCH smaller plate of food. You know how there are two kinds of plates, the big ones and then the half-sized ones? Well I used to need a piled-high big plate to be full. Now all it takes is a reasonably piled half size one. And that's pretty stinkin' awesome.

So that's life for now! Thank you again for all the love, support, and prayer you all have given me in this time. I can't tell you what it means to me!

<3 Leigh

Back in the Saddle Again

After last week's disappointing trip to the scale, I'm ecstatic to report that I managed to take off five pounds! It's a good thing, too, because for a couple of days there, I had scared myself into believing that the weight was just going to start piling back on. It's crazy how easy it is to let my fears take over.

Today I am having two very important "lasts". The last day of my post-op diet. (No more nonfat refried beans!) And the last day, hopefully, I will ever look down at the scale and see it begin with "2". Tomorrow will mark four weeks since my surgery and I'm cautiously optimistic that the scale might be my friend and drop me down from 200.6, to 199.8. If it doesn't happen tomorrow I won't be terribly upset, but I'm hopeful.

Tomorrow also brings me back to Dr. Michaelson's office for my four week check-up. I'm nervous about the appointment, mostly because I don't want to disappoint him. I hope I've lost enough to impress him! I know that might seem silly, but I feel like I have something to prove right now, and I might as well take advantage of the extra motivation it brings. I've managed to workout three times in the last four days and I'd be lying if I said it didn't have something to do with my appointment/deadline. It helps to have that kind of accountability.

It's been almost a month since I last had a real "bite" of food, so I'm also very excited that tomorrow brings the promise of "real" food! The last two weeks have flown by, thankfully, but this soft food/liquid diet has definitely gotten old. I'm so excited the day has come where eating chicken and a salad is an option! (Did any of you who know me well just say to yourself, "Okay, who IS this girl?") And it's not just the food choices I'm excited about, it's also the knowledge that "regular" food will stay with me a lot longer than soft/liquid food does. I look forward to not getting hunger pains two hours after a meal! (Can you blame me?)

I must admit, I'm slightly nervous about eating like a normal (although much smaller-stomached) human being again. Ben wanted to take me to the Cheesecake Factory after my doctor's appointment to celebrate, but I turned him down. (Once again, those who know me are saying, "Okay, that's it. The real Leigh has been kidnapped. This is an impostor.") I want to be sure that my stomach can handle the regular food, which means easing into this. No matter what I decide to eat, small bites and chewing like CRAZY are definitely on the menu. I'm not willing to risk getting sick, especially since my abs are still not back to normal. So I'll take things easy and see how it goes.

That's all for now. I'll be sure to report back soon with another update on this whole crazy process. And hopefully, I'll be on the lighter side of 200! :)

<3 Leigh

I Couldn't NOT Share This...

Shortly after writing that last post, I sat down to read my latest "quiet time" book. It's called Made to Crave (by Lysa TerKeurst, in case you're interested) and, as you may have guessed, it's all about food (and weight) struggles and how to cling to God in order to overcome them. This quote hit home in such a profound way that I had to stop and share it. I feel like it's relevant to everyone, as it applies to God's sovereignty in what we each struggle with:

"When I get all caught up in how unfair it is that my friend is skinny and doesn't have to work at it, how she can eat what she wants when she wants, and how much it stinks that I can't be like her, I remind myself that God didn't make me to be her. You see, He knew even before I was born that I could easily allow food to be an idol in my life, that I would go to food, instead of to Him, to fulfill my needs. And in His great wisdom, He created my body so that it would experience the consequences of such a choice, so that I would continually be drawn back into His arms. He wants me to come to Him for fulfillment, emotional healing, comfort--and if I could go to food for that and never gain an ounce, well then, what would I need God for?"

Anybody else feel that information hit their heart and explode in wonder? Why is it so easy for me to forget that God doesn't do anything without a purpose? And not just any purpose, a purpose for my good! This weight/eating struggle is not useless! Whatever you struggle with isn't either! And I know for me, that changes everything.

It also brings to mind what the Apostle Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

9 But he said to me, j“My grace is sufficient for you, for kmy power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that lthe power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 mFor the sake of Christ, then, nI am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. Forowhen I am weak, then I am strong.

My weaknesses, if I let them, will draw me to the Lord and allow God to do BIG THINGS through me! And I'd rather have God's strength than mine, even if that means I have to live with weaknesses.

Anyway, like I said, I had to share. I hope all of this blesses your heart as it blessed mine.

<3 Leigh